Farewell To A Good Life.

found via PicShip

I really do try to keep my optimistic side high regarding this one particular matter but it seems that regardless how hard I try to put on this horrible façade and pretend as if nothing will ever bother me, certain things really do invade my life and makes it all miserable—as if it is not miserable in the first place.

The one thing I really hate and try not to complaint about is my social life. I realize it that I have such a poor social skills—all due to that ugly incident that occur during my senior year in high school of which makes me cringe every time I think about it—and I am horrible when it comes to making friends and communication.

Yes, you may see me writing such a damn long essays every now and then on this blog but do you actually expect me to be able to talk this long to a stranger out there in real world? Oh hell no, you are absolutely wrong if you think I could.

Here is a secret; I avoid making eye-contact even with my closet friends. Yes, I know that making eye-contact is the most vital part of communication, but I could not do it. Now everyone knows my secrets that I do not make eye-contact. I tend to look away every three seconds during a conversation—even during a personal conversations and the only time I do not look away is when I am talking to my family members.

I am that horrible in social skills. I manage to get a good grade for Effective Speaking class and even the Public Relations class but in reality, I just do not apply all that I ever learn. I am afraid to be out there in the real world.

My social life is already halfway down its own grave. I abandon my social life after I graduate from high school and probably most of friends from high school might already forget my existence. It is that unfortunate, seriously. I do not know what part of me that shut my self out from the reality and the social life out there but all I know I am always by the side, just watching my friends rather than to be with them.

What most teenagers do with friends I do it alone. I go to the cinema and watch from romantic movies to action movies by my self. Really, I am not telling a lie. I go for a shopping spree by my self for hours. I have breakfast and lunch at the popular fast food restaurants by my self. I sit at the library by my self. I take the bus by my self. I sit at the cafeteria by my self. I really do everything by my self.

I am an observer, really. But it pains me that I am only observing them from the sidewalk. That is why my social life is disappearing fast. In college, I assume it would be better if I participate with my friends a lot. It works at first but then it disappears fast too. I may be among their group but whenever they are going somewhere and doing things I am always the one to stay behind.

I am not saying that this hurts my pride or things but at certain point it does get onto my nerve. I have friends but I can’t say that I really have friends. They are around me, but they never make me feel as if I am a part of them.

This may be my hallucination but even my mother says that my friends only need me when they really need help. I try not to think about it and dismiss it quickly but then I realize. My mother is right; the only moment I have all of my friends around me is when they really need my help.

Back in high school, the only time I ever feel as if I am the part of an active club in high school is when I have to do all the secretariat work like a bitch by my self and submit it all to the teacher in charge—only for her to ask me all about my work because she does not like it. In the end, my name is not even in the school magazine under the particular society.

It does not hurt at first but as time goes by, it becomes a wound—and a permanent one too.

In college, the only times I ever spend such a long time with my friends are when they need me for assignments and projects. I do not feel bad, because I feel as if they need me. But then I begin to think whether they are only using me—because I tend to do all the work even in a group project because I am such a stupid perfectionist that does not know how to appreciate other works.

Sometimes I wonder who the real friends among the friends I have are. I maybe someone that they could not even remember because I never tend to stand out in a crowd. I maybe just a person they once meet and forget the next day. I maybe the geek who they could rely on certain things but never the one they want in their circle of friends.

I guess this is the time for me to give up on trying fixing my social life. I mean, I have been living a lonely life ever since I graduate high school. No one ever dies because of loneliness and I am pretty sure I could survive all well.

I am always a loner and will always be one. I have my own world to live in and I do not think that I could accommodate anyone else. I believe I would do well by my self. I would not fall because I am by my self. I will always be by my self either way. I just need some time to adjust into the reality that I no longer have brag worthy social life.

We Are Definitely Not Rockstars, Honey.

found via favim.com
It is not peculiar to say that I am crazy about a band with five freaking handsome members from South Korea who mainly assume that they are practically doing rock music although I could not completely consider their music in South Korea as rock but as pop rock or rock ballad. Whereas, if they are categorizing their music in Japan as rock, I completely agree—come and kill me, I do not care because listen to Let It Go or Flower Rock, even stupid people could say that are rock songs.

However, it is a bit peculiar for me to say that I am a fan of rock music. I do not really like rock music as an overall—I could not like the genre of music as an entire genre—and perhaps I have the least rock songs on both my Windows Music Player and my mp3 player.

I know I might scare someone out there—some friends or not—if I confess that I am a fan of My Chemical Romance and Panic! At The Disco.

The real problem here is not that whether I love or detest rock music. I like bands—I mainly like people who are able to perform and play their own music rather than just writing and composing it—and most of my attention in bands music is referring to the fact that I am a completely bias and die hard fan of that Five Treasure Island. But I would not tolerate if someone—cough, that someone actually refers to a friend who considers her self without my acknowledgement as my best friend, cough—tells me that I know nothing about rock music and talks badly about my favorites when I do not do any harm against her favorites.

Here is the deal, I have my own list of favorites and she has her own list of favorites. I do not care if she says she is a die hard fan of any rock bands because I would not care. I do not even bother to judge her because everyone has personal favorites. I respect her favorites and I will accept it with an open heart, God blesses my soul.

It just happens that she starts to get on my nerve—by judging me for the music I listen to. First, if she considers her self as my best friend—although I am not doing the same, because I do not need a friend like her, even more a best friend—she will not once talks badly about my Five Treasure Island. No, do not do that. I will definitely kill her, I mean it seriously. There is no need to say that my favorite band is no better than anyone else in the world of Korean pop. That is enough, I mean it literally. I do not need a friend—even if it is only her who assumes that—to say bad things about the vocalist and criticizes the songs from that band.

Now, I really need her to shut her mouth or else I will definitely murder her, chops her body and throws bits of it into some river and let her death unknown to the entire world.

I could take it if she hates the band I like but I do not need her to continuously talk about it. Never will I talk badly about the girl group she incredibly admire—cough, that girl group with so many members who are basically so popular I would not care about it anymore, cough—even when I completely detest that group. I will not try to do something that would somehow hurt her. But does it necessary for her to hurt me by talking badly about my bias? It is really necessary?

Now, as if it is not complete by just talking badly about my first bias, she continues to bash my favorites bands—My Chemical Romance and Panic! At The Disco. Oh girl, she is going way too far that I might one day kill her. Listen here, I have listen to My Chemical Romance way longer than the period she takes to listen to her favorite bands. I am a fan of My Chemical Romance since high school and I have listen to band music way longer than she does. She does not have the rights to criticize my favorites.

She says she likes rock music, okay—I am actually quite fine with that. But is she really does likes rock music, would it be more appropriate if she says she listens to some real rock bands—I do not know, maybe Scorpions (it is a bit more older than our generation but hey, the music is amazing that no argument is relevant when it comes to the scorpions) or maybe Thirty Seconds To Mars (could I say that this band is slowly making its way into my favorite lists for its amazing songs and music videos) or perhaps Linkin Park (my all-time favorite since high school, the years I spend screaming my heart out to all of its incredible songs) or something even more moderate like Simple Plan (ah yes, the times I consider my self as a fan, those times are the best still in my memory) and if she could listen to Tokio Hotel, Paramore or even the all-time Nirvana, that would be even better.

It is rather obvious that my interpretation of rock music is way different than her interpretation of rock music. Well, she does listen to that one band just because she is in love—maybe—with one of its member.

If I choose to listen to rock, I will choose a real rock band. I will choose a music that really reflects rock—hard and loud guitar riffs, songs that make me want to bang my head onto the wall or just scream my heart out—rock songs that are sort of like that. If I listen to something lighter, I will admit I am a fan of pop rock or rock ballad.

It still hurts to listen to her words and feel like murdering her every time she brags about her favorites yet criticizes my favorites. I am a pretender; I am good in putting up a façade to lie. I am still going a good job because she still thinks I am not harm to her life. Well, we will see up until where this will take me, girl.

And now, I am off to bang my head onto the wall with some My Chemical Romance previous hits. I still love all of its songs—even after so many years of becoming a fan. And perhaps after that, to soothe my aching heart, I will give my self a plentiful dose of some lighter rock by FT Island. I need some rock ballads, those songs will never do any harm into my life.

Her Solitary Welcomes This Unrequited Love.

found via beautifulphotography
I do not think that this is a good thing—to actually allow my self to fall in love yet again. However, I do not have a complete control over my own feelings which is somehow a little frustrating because I could not know when it will eventually happen. Yes, I have to admit that it would be nice to once again fell love—because it has been quite a long time since the last I feel my heart beat faster and my mind only thinks about one person.

But why is it that I always end up falling for the one person who loves someone else instead?

This boy—or should I assume a man—is a friend, not the closest yet not one of those distant friends I could categorize as an acquaintance too. He has been bright and lively—a complete contrast to the solemn and quiet person I am. I like that I could smile and laugh with his presence and does not feel as if it is a burden to do so. I do not have to pretend not to be my self with him; I could completely be my true self.

It just happens that he has a girlfriend—I know, I would take the blame because I do not care anymore. He introduces his girlfriend not long ago—beautiful indeed—and one of the nicest acquaintances I ever meet in my life. I could not understand why I could fall for someone who already has the perfect one in his life. I always end up having this feeling all by my self.

He sometime makes me feel as if I am not complete because to be with him makes it obvious that we both come from two different worlds. He has this group of friends around him, the ongoing type with fantastic social life whereas I only have a small group of friends around me, the quiet type with miserable social life. The way we both grow up are different, we both have different perspectives. Yet when he sits next to me, I could feel genuinely happy. I could laugh and I could smile. He would make me feel as if I am the happiest person ever.

I could not understand my feelings anymore.

I would want to be that one person he loves, but I could not be that person when he already has someone else by his side. I am always that girl who looks silently by the side, keeping my feelings all by my self. I am always that loser who could not express her feelings, because I am a coward. I fear the heartbreak that will follow suit. I could not stand a second heartbreak; I could crush my heart this time if it ever happens.

Regardless the pain, it is actually nice to have someone to dream about at night and to think about when I miss him. I could not remember these childish acts when I fall in love but I could admit that I like it. I like it when I could close my eyes and smile to my self when I remember the funny things he says or when I sing to my self and secretly dedicate my serenade to the person who would not listen. This is funny—but I like every little detail about it.

I would make this feeling the same way as my previous feeling happens. I would ignore it, and when the time comes, it will all disappear. I do not want to hurt any feelings except for my own. I do not care about pain much, but I could not stand to watch others in pain. This is a temporary crush, something that will go with time. I would grow another year older and the feeling will soon fade away with other memories. I will keep it while it is still sweet, as a reminder of this beautiful feeling I would call as love.

However, I would not be afraid to admit this by my self—I think I love you, boy.

This Is The Friday Post, Thank You.

While finishing the assignments earlier this week, a big mess.

The terrifying week of endless assignments has successfully ends—with only one group assignment to finish and I off to enjoy weeks without burdens until final examination comes in mid-May. Less than a month to go, yet my notes are like a bundle of masses—lots of papers, too much to even fit my shelf.

Bad news people—I dropped my laptop for the first time in my life, ever. It tragically happened during Reporting class last yesterday when I accidentally dropped my laptop which was switched on—I was busy editing my fan fiction in class, which calls for a punishment does it. It just dropped off the portable desk and I heard all this gasps from my fellow classmates. Thanks for the horror, people.

My baby Samsung playing Satisfaction MV on replay throughout the whole night.

God, I feel like I want to cry, literally. Thankfully, the class has carpeted floor and the height from where the laptop fell was not high or else, I would cry my heart out. My dearest Samsung R439—one of my bundle of joys in life—please forgive me for accidentally dropped you. Don’t go against me, please. I need you so freaking much, you are an addiction.

It is Friday people, which mean presentations for Effective Speaking class. We have to do persuasive speeches this time and I have chosen a campaign for my fellow classmate to follow—the No Plastic Bag Day campaign. I feel like a complete nerd for choosing such environmentalist’s topic. Anyhow, I did quite well this time and I scored a nice 75 marks out of 100 marks—which is satisfying enough when I did most of the presentation with a blank mind and continuously reading from my speech text. The lecturer reminded me to communicate more with the audience. Yeah, I will do that like, never. I have poor social skills, remember?

The new speech text I managed to print on the morning of the presentation like a boss.

The comments by the lecturer regarding my presentation, 75 marks out of 100 marks.

However, the attendance for this speech is devastating. Only ten people were presented and we all finished our speeches in approximately one hour and a half perhaps. How frustrating, for those who dream about achieving all those ridiculous dreams, you have to at least show an effort people. Success does not come by it self. If you can’t commit to such things in college, imagine how you would face the career world soon? Get a brain in those small heads of yours, people. Stop with the day-dreaming and think straight in reality please.

I was supposed to meet my fellow group-mates today but one of them said that she could not join due to health problem thus, the meeting was cancelled. I was left to be stranded in college for approximately six hours like an idiot. It was a boring experience and I did not eat a single thing since the early morning. I have to drop my bag in the car when my dad arrived to pick me up from college and rushed to the Seven Eleven to get my self something to eat.

Big bowl of Sambal Sotong, Ikan Cencaru Goreng and an instant noodles, all for my self.

Ah, the lack of meals forced me to have such heavy dinner to redeem the hunger I sustained while sitting alone in the cafeteria. I could not leave my table because I have my laptop on and I was by my self. I could not pick everything up, go to the counter and order my self a nice bowl of noodles and return back, set up the laptop all from the beginning. I would be like an idiot. Yet I am still an idiot who sustain her hunger like a maniac one whole day.

I am off to enjoy the weekends, people. I am putting Satisfaction single album on repeat on my Windows Media Player, on the play-list of my mp3 player and on the media player in my mobile phone. The track Friends is a pure addiction, it is my new crack and my new ecstasy. Call me crazy, people. I do not care.

Not Quite The Monday Blues, Honey.

It has been quite a stressful day for my self—I can’t quite explain but yes, I am completely exhausted, thank you very much. I have been struggling with my assignments lately and I have ignored my own self to finish all the shit—excuse my language—for the sake of my grade in the end of the semester. I am suffering constant headache, stomachache and the lost of appetite. On a brighter note, here I am on a diet mode without even trying to starve my self.

I have to submit all the shit for Reporting and News Writing by this Thursday which mean I have approximately two days to finish all the shit like some kind of crazy maniac—as if I enjoy this torturing journey. However, the lousy lecturer has kindly gave us lots of hints for the final exam which reduced the burden of studying like crazy for final exam less heavier than it was before. Thank you, oh my God. For once, the lecturer did something meaningful for us—his students.


Out of the ten news stories, I have successfully wrote four of which I spent about two hours inside the basement café of my college this morning to finish. I am such a lazy student, I know. I have yet ten more summary leads to write and three major assignments to write to be submitted altogether on this Thursday.

The usual group of friends were absent from today’s class as if they have planned it wonderfully. Great for us who lazily dragged our selves to attend the class, we now have hints of what we would answer for the final exam, as well as what we should focus on more. Meanwhile those lazy assess would not know a thing about it because I am going to be selfish to those who are using me all these times starting from today. But yes, those who are kindly enough to help me before will be receiving help from me don’t worry.

I realize I need to be really selfish in surviving this cruel college world. I could not pretend to be the good girl and suffer the consequences all by my self. I am tired of covering up for other people’s mistakes and doing what they should do. Instead, I am living a life of my own right now. I do not care about others—except for those who care enough to care for me—I don’t even give a damn whether they are going to be alive or dead. You guys and girls set up this whole cruel world where I am the one who suffered, now live in it because I am getting my own ass out of it, thank you very much.

I am contemplating on whether I should attend tomorrow class of Principle of Advertising because I am not feeling quite normal right now. Seriously, I have this annoying buzzing sound in both of my ears and my head is ten times heavier than ever. I am skipping dinner because my stomach does not feel good at all. I am not sure what the hell is wrong with my self right now but all I can think about is just getting some good night sleep and I will let my self in the morning tomorrow to decide whether I would attend class or not.

I need to get back to my assignments, even though all I could think about is my dreamland.

Cheers to Life and What Comes With It.

found via sixtiesstills
Blame the disappearance of the wireless internet connection or just my plain laziness lately, but I could not bring my self to post any update on this blog of mine. I apologize for the lack of updates that add up the boringness into my boring blog. I am such unexplainable blogger. However, I would also like to blame my self for not finishing much of the assignments that are starting to freak the hell out of me. I mean, I know that everyone else has assignments to do but mine are like—a giant storm of nothing but assignments. I have to do a freaking library research of which I don’t even understand what does that actually means.

I have also been doing a lot of shopping lately that it is absolutely unsafe for my financial situation. I am not rich enough to continue with this torturing hobby. I should stop, literally. But could I stop when I live in an area where everywhere I turn would be shopping malls with things I want to buy. Come to think about it, it will never help me. I even blame FNC Music for this problem. How could they produce the single of FT Island and in less than one month, ready to release the band’s first Japanese full album and now, dearest vocalist, leader and rapper have successfully teased us fan girls with vague possible comeback—which means a new Korean release. More money, I have to say.

Here will be the part where I attach the part about how I hate some people that inhabit my living space right now. I mean, I could have like them but they make me hate them even more lately. They are doing things that make my life hard, as if I do not have a hard life in the first place. They are occupying the spaces in my life that I should have used to do something else. I need to get rid of them but I could not find a proper way. I need to disseminate bugs, you know what I mean. Get the fuck off my life, desperate people. I do not need any of you, seriously.

I have been thinking, am I ranting a little too much? But I like it, because it gives me a way to express my anger. I need a space to breathe and let go, and now that this quiet habitat of mine is no longer just the habitat I own to my self, I am considering the option of creating a new living space for my self. I need to rant more to become a better person. I mean, who would live better while keeping all bad things to one self, anyway?

To think about tomorrow and the probability of suffocating my self with the presence of the one particular hateful girl who is literally making me feel like I want to kill her during a group discussion scares the hell out of me. I am thinking of any escape options. I am crafting some sneaky reasons to excuse my self from tomorrow and the hell that will come with it, but that will only make me look bad in the eyes of the other two friends in my work group that I dearly like and do not mind spending the rest of the day with.

Should I think about a way to make that hateful girl excuse her self from the work discussion instead?

Beautiful Day, Saturday.

Mid-term examination is officially over and although I could say goodbye to mid-term examination, I could not do the same with the assignments that continue to suffocate my living space. I am in an urgent need to free my self from this irritating mess.


found via Facebook
My fellow Journalism friends and I while waiting for the other friends to finish answering their News Writing examination paper outside the class, on the corridor of our college. We do not usually do this, no one would ever see us sitting this lazily along the corridor of the college during our free time. This could only be done because it was Saturday and no one comes to college on Saturdays except for examination and it was already late in the evening and everyone has left, except for us.

The final examination paper—News Writing—ended on Saturday and instead of going home and doing the usual boring routines of any boring Saturdays, I willingly followed my other Journalism friends to their outing for Photojournalism class. And yes, I do not take Photojournalism subject this semester. It happened that we are quite close to the lecturer and we did not mind taking the monorail and walked to Bukit Bintang to see how the outing was really done.



found via Facebook
Half the Journalism friends and I in front of the fountain outside Pavilion Kuala Lumpur with our lecturer; he is the man in the middle wearing a red t-shirt and a ZARA leather(?) jacket. He looked as if he was one of us, just slightly older but still, looked as if he could perfectly fit in with us and not like he is our lecturer. He is the only reason why my mom said yes when I asked for the permission to tag along the outing. He is a lecturer, my mom would not ask anymore.

It was an awesome field trip—bringing back the memories when I was younger and went to a field trip with my school mates. I learned a lot about photography—although I do not take this particular subject. I am officially registering for this subject next semester with my fellow friends who do not take it as well. I have fun watching those friends who are taking the subjects working with their DSLR but the best was that we managed to spend the whole evening with our out-going lecturer. Most people will not believe he is our lecturer. He looks like one of our friends.

Yesterday was supposedly the Earth Hour day but it did not seem to happen much in Bukit Bintang or Pavilion. It still looks extremely bright with lights all around us when we are about to leave. I can't never believe that I walked around Pavilion at night with my fellow friends. It was awesome, thank you very much. Although some complaints from the friend who I can't name were extremely irritating, I managed to stay calm and pretend nothing happened.

I got home with LRT with my other three girl friends and took the only taxi left at the train station home. It was already passed nine and almost ten when I finally reached home. My mom was extremely worried about my whereabouts, even more when she knew that I will be taking a taxi home. Fortunately, nothing bad happened and I safely reached home before ten. Thank God, I only ended up with some blisters thanks to my gladiator sandals of which I will never wear to college ever again. I know I should just wear my sneakers yesterday but my younger sister told me not to.

Hey friends, let's do this again. Although it is bad for my finance—the train tickets, the meals, the other things—but I feel happy when I am out with all of my friends. Surely, we should do this some other time. But in the meanwhile, I should save as much as I could to take my niece and my younger sister out for a lunch treat soon.

The Malay Chronicles, Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa.

found via Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa's Facebook Page
Truth to be told, I went to watch Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa (in English translated as The Malay Chronicles: Bloodline) with my dearest best friend last Monday. I know I should not waste my time watching a movie when the fact this week is my mid-term examination week but I can't actually resist the epic movie. I mean, surely the trailer it self already makes me feel half of my heart is already inside the cinema. With a great movie like this, I don't really mind spending RM11 for my ticket.

I personally love this epic movie—regardless that I am not a big fan of epic movies. I mean, I don't really spend my time watching some epic war movies. But Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa might just be an exception because it is such a good movie. It was well-made and well-executed. Of course, as usual there will be minor flaws here and there but this is such a good Malaysian movie—even though eighty percent of the movie uses English as it main language medium. I understand, it is to be easier for foreigners (well, consider that almost half of its casts are foreigners too) to understand.

I look at this as a good way to teach foreigners about our old folklore and tales. I mean, I have heard about this tale of Merong Mahawangsa but only after I watched the movie that I went for some quick research. Yes, I am that crazy sometimes. The casts are amazing, make it that I don't have any complains against the casting of Stephen Rahman-Hughes as Merong Mahawangsa. Such a handsome actor, I must say. My mom only thinks that he is the major reason why she watches the movie.

On another note, such amazing CGI techniques for local people. Not as amazing as Lord of The Ring or whatsoever, but still such a great work for the people of Malaysia to feel proud of. Everything is rather clean and neat, I like it. The music arrangement, magnificent and incredible. I do not mind listening to the music scores over and over again throughout the movie itself. Honestly, I am still listening to its theme song sang by my mother's favorite male singer, Anuar Zain—Sedetik Lebih or the English version titled The Memories Remain—because it is such a great masterpiece.

If you are not a fan of local Malay, I still recommend that you give Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa a chance to amaze you. I mean, my father is still amaze by the movie and he does not watch any Malay movie at all if you ask me. The movie is great and I may let my bias speak on my behalf but it is great. I dare to give it five out of five stars, considering that I do not watch Malay movies at cinemas. I do not waste my money for my own local film industry, yes I am that horrible. But this Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa, I don't want to spoil it for anyone who has not watch.

Go and watch the movie your self and you will absolutely believe my words. Such a good production from a local production house. This is what I could call a great Malaysian movie—a movie that brings our local filming industry up to a new level.

I will be spending another RM11 for the premiere of Sucker Punch this Thursday, as if I don't have to study for my examinations. And this is not any kind of advertisement for any sides that may gain benefits for the movie. I am solely doing this because I like this movie and my intention does not relate to any production or any kind of beneficial people.

How a Resurrection Really Feels.

Practically, it seems like I am slowly losing my designing skills. With the assignments that are continuously making me wish that I have more than just twenty-four hours in one day—it is actually quite impossible for me to keep on designing, to improve my lack of grandeur in my poor designing skills. I have not use Adobe Photoshop for such a long time. I try to become good friends with GIMP and PhotoScape but either work well with me.

However, I assumed that I still have a little of those skills. I successfully designed a soda can with my own brand as the first assignment for Principle of Advertising class. I did not think that I have done a magnificent job but at least I still have a little longing towards my forgotten desire of becoming a graphic designer in an advertising agency. I can still do this—although not as good as my graphic design's friends—but at least it was presentable.


Who would have thought that having a plentiful collection of FT Island's pictures would aid me through the process of designing the soda can for my assignment. It was actually an idea proposed by my mom after she watched me designing the soda can in my room. Truthfully, I would love to have a soda brand by the name of FT-Fresh and have the whole FT Island—not just Hongki as presented on the soda can—to endorse my soda. Although his appearance on the soda can did raise several question among the classmate who did not know who he is.

I have started to draw and illustrate again lately. I am spending a little more time to become good friend with my dearest sketch book—who now loyally occupies my bag that I bring to college everyday. I am drawing discreetly in the library, like a geek. I like this though. I like it a lot.

We Might As Well Be Strangers.

found via inspireplease
I am dedicating this rant post to an unlikely friend of mine—who I am officially declaring as one of those friends I would not care about anymore—because she is pissing me off big time. Seriously, I have been calling and sending text messages to her like a maniac, wondering if she would come to class because we were supposed to have the presentation of our first assignments and this week is the last week for anyone to do so. I have been trying to reach her for one hour yet she did not reply my text messages and she did not answer my phone call.

What the fuck is wrong with you, anyway?

I am literally concerned that you might miss your chance to present your assignment and you are the one who was so concerned about the first assignment since last week and yet, you chose not to attend class and did not even call me in return to give some freaking explanation. Oh God, you are seriously pissing me off big time.

The truth is that I have to force my self to have a smile on my face every time you are talking and even though I silently resent whatever you have to say—especially about your past, because obviously girl, just move on with your damn life—I am trying to be a friend. I endure the hardship to actually teach you in things you don't understand—although you often repay me back with cynical remarks in front of everyone else occasionally. I follow you and try to be a good friend but this is a little too extreme for me to endure, girl. You are literally pulling me around like some sort of slave and drag me along into your mess. I am not satisfied. This is not friendship, this is making me as your friend with benefit.

Oh damn it, I don't care if you are going to find my blog once I make my presentation about blog this Friday. I don't give a fuck about you and your nonsense anymore. Let us face it, you continue to talk about your ruined past relationship as if your world only involve your heartbreak. Hello, open your eyes and see that no one cares about you. I can't take this anymore. I could no longer endure this painful friendship.

You know what, I don't give a damn about you anymore. You can fail and you can success, I would care less. You can fall and you can stand up, I don't want to know about you anymore. You could do whatever you want and continuously talk about your heartbreak as if no one else suffers heartbreaks, I would not give a damn about it. You are a pathetic creature who only knows to care about your self but not the others who could possibly care about you too. You ruined this friendship.

I am so sorry but I can't never look at you the same way I look at my other friends.

You choose this option, regardless. I try to be nice, but you push me away. I try to listen, but you are talking too much. I try to help, but you are draining me out of my life. You can do whatever you want, just don't bother dragging me along into your mess. You should know how to live in your mess. Don't look after me anymore. Know that after this, all my smiles and laughs are not sincere and I am putting on a facade. I don't like you, but only because you make me hate you.

Life From This Point On.

found via weheartit
Yes—I do realize that there has been a lack of movements around this boring blog for the past ten days. This actually happen to the fact that I am depending on the free wireless connection I am currently using which sometimes disappears from the view, thus I could not connect to the internet. I have also been terribly busy with college—now that assignments are stacking up high like a mountain literally and schedules are driving me crazing. I am also pretending to be busy with my life by doing this and that, including spending one whole sleepless day due to finish my assignments that should be submitted to take off the NC status off my result. Fortunately, I have successfully sent that freaking assignment this morning so, end of story. By the upcoming Friday, I will be facing my biggest fear of the year—sitting for my driving test to get my self a driving license. I feel like a freaking retarded for still not be able to drive well when everyone else seems to have been enjoying the life as a driver. God blesses my life.

I am also amazingly down with cold right now so I am silently cursing the fact that I can't breath properly. I followed my mom and dad to the market this morning and ended up with a cut on my finger which hurt like hell sometimes. Right now, I have two wounded fingers, thus I am typing in such an awkward condition. I am working hard to publish my fan fiction again in either two main fan fiction websites despite my hectic routines too. I am getting close to a friend of whom share the same passion as mine and I like this friendship we have. Keep this going on, and I will improve my current social life. I am almost broke thus I have to starve almost every day but I am looking at this as a chance to go on a diet—an unhealthy one of course.

In less than a week without wireless connection, I found out that FT Island has tons of news about them in the internet. Hongki to appear as the male lead in a Japanese drama—which actually makes me giggled like a crazy fan girl at college upon knowing this through the Twitter application on my mobile phone. Even more, FT Island will perform the theme song of the drama so cheer for new songs. More surprisingly, cheesy leader Jonghoon is also set to make his acting debut in a movie based on a Japanese manga—staring next to only the two of my favorite actor and actress of all time, Jang Geunseok and Kim Haneul. I am still a freaking happy fan girl. My bias, Seunghyun and Minhwan graduated from high school—looking all mighty handsome and made me wondered why on earth did I not attend the same high school as them although that is rather impossible. Congratulation. Jaejin—well, all I know his picture of him sleeping with a guitar did make it to the news so, well done I think. Nice to see nice updates, will be waiting for their future releases.

In the end, as a conclusion—my life has not yet been wonderful but it still quite stressful. I am going to have lesser updates, now that the wireless connection is obviously only available on weekends. I will post useful posts again, please don't curse me. I am innocent, or so I believe I am. God blesses this poor miserable soul.

All The Brilliant Misfits.

found via weheartit
Fortunately that the NC that I have amazingly obtained in my result for previous semester does not mean that I have to crazily retake that one particular subject throughout the whole semester—but instead, I should just pay the fee (damn it, this freaking annoying college surely knows how to make students pay for almost every single thing) and sit for the Referral Exam to make up the missing final examination's marks. God, thank you for this brilliant opportunity.

Although the real mystery is that where the hell did the marks for my final examination has gone that it has amazingly gave me a NC in the whole result, I am just freaking glad that at least I don't have to take the subject again for the second time in my life. Less the pain, oh thank you. Even the fact that I have to shamelessly drag my self to the office and meet the detestable lecturer of that particular subject does not hurt this joy of not having to repeat the whole subject. Let us all do the chicken dance right at this part.

Let me be serious, I have not attended even one class this week. On Monday, I missed two classes as I attended the funeral of my dad's cousin. On Tuesday, I went to college but I have brilliantly lost the class venue—leaving me clueless about where the exact class is precisely—this I blamed the administration for printing the wrong class venue. Today however, I am supposed to attend advertising class but I failed to contact my friend and thinking that she did not attend it, I spent my entire evening in the library—only to come back home and realized that that one particular friend did attend the class anyway. Thank you so fucking much for the betrayal, dear friend.

Tomorrow, on the day where I am supposed to be attending another class, my dad has magnificently scheduled a trial driving test for me with the driving school. God, now I am just terribly nervous and fidgeting. What if I don't do well enough tomorrow? What if the engine dies in the middle of the road? What if the car reverses by it self when it stops by the hill? What if I can't complete the parallel parking in less than five minutes? What if I hit a pole during the last part? There are one thousand and four what ifs that I need to answer. I want my driving license so freaking much, but I am not confident I will do well.

Anyway, please wish me luck for tomorrow. I really need to get my own driving license and drive my way around. I need to prove that I am good in something—and please let that something be driving.

One Hell Of The Horror Ride.

Successfully finished the first class for News Reporting today—one hour earlier than the scheduled time because our lecturer is amazing like that. However, I have to spend more than an hour battling against the lousy administration department along with another perhaps thirty to forty other unfortunate students who have their time tables all awesomely messed up by the administrative system. Way to go, our college.

My awesome guy friend told me that we both have an advance subject in our time table thus I have to drop that subject—unless I want to be beyond awesome and crack my brain open all by my self—and add in another subject instead. The lousy administrative system has its own epic fail moment for sure. Unfortunately, the new added subject—The Study of Film—does not trigger my interest by any bit.

After leaving all the hustle and bustle of the lousy administration department behind happily, I decided to watch a movie with my friend—of who I have promised to watch movie with since the beginning of this week. She got her wishes fulfilled because I have unwillingly dragged my self to watch the Malay horror movie she was dying to watch. Bought the tickets and wandered around KLCC for more than a hour like a pair of crazy teenagers. Hey, we are awesome like that.


Khurafat is the title of the movie and oh my, was it one hell of a thrilling ride. I squeaked and screamed like a coward shamelessly for the first time in my entire life inside a cinema. I was literally hiding my face behind my bag and behind my hands. My heart was beating faster than during the marathon I joined several years ago in high school. I was completely horrified. Mr. Director, thank you for the horror ride.

found via Filmdroid
However, I watched the teasers of The Green Hornet outside the cinema before going in for the movie Khurafat and damn it, I am dying to watch it. I solemnly swear I want to watch it for the delicious treat of Jay Chow in it. Oh my, we are talking about the incredible Jay Chow. I mean it. I am going to watch that movie regardless whatever that might happen. Make it this week or next week, I am going to watch it. I don't care about the reviews, all I care about is Jay Chow and his ass-kicking appearance—plus the comedic parts of the movie that cracks me up even through the teasers.

Come to think about it, I should ask my niece to accompany me for a trip to awesome treat of Jay Chow in The Green Hornet soon—since I have irresponsibly promised to take her out for a treat sometime. I am a mean auntie, I know it.

Sweet Holiday, Baby.

All hail the sweet holiday. The hiatus status is officially off as I am free from final examination finally. It has been a tough ride during this past week and I am going to do anything not to repeat any of this torture anymore. I have enough, thank you. Every single final paper has been a war. I am so glad I am alive—much to my surprise—and still doing fine. There are some turbulence along the flight but honey it is okay not to stay alive.

Contemporary Business (UFS 102) and Principles of Public Relation (MDP 103) have to be the toughest papers ever. This kind of giving me a reminiscence of the Chemistry and Additional Mathematics papers for SPM three years ago. Oh, the horror. I am so sick of these two subjects—please don't let me repeat any of it. There were times when I wish I could give up and just move on with my life as a loser in these two subjects.

Introduction to Communication (MDJ 101) and Media Studies and Introduction to Journalism (MDJ 102) are the two papers that are totally fine. I am not boasting but I think I did quite well. I don't think I could get an A for any but at least I wish to pass with flying colors. So much for the wishes, huh?

Basic English 2 (UFS 111) has also been a breather amidst of the suffocating subjects. I hope I pass this subject because even if I do well in the final paper, my attendance and my previous assignments are a total mess. I hope my lecturer has some kind of mercy for me. Please, don't fail me this time.


Honestly, I am going to miss second semester and its interesting ride. I will miss coming to class first. I will miss skipping class whenever the lecturer comes in late. I will definitely the friends who have to leave us. I am going to miss the laugh and the tears. I am going to miss everything accept the assignments and the examinations, thank you very much. It has been a great ride, friends. I enjoy it, although it has been quite bumpy, but in the end we all enjoy it.

I guess I will meet each and everyone of you again next semester. We are going to start our third semester, oh my God. It has been a fast journey everybody, nice to know all of you. In a blink of an eye, now we are going to be seniors. I think I like this. In several months, we are going to welcome new troop of juniors. Hello juniors, let the sufferings begin.


And now, after one hell of a roller coaster ride, it is time for me to say goodbye to semester two and hello to two weeks of sweet holiday. I am so thankful of these two weeks of holiday because gosh, I need this holiday so freaking much. I need some time off college and away from my friends—just me, myself and my thoughts. I am thinking about working with a fan fiction this holiday too—to resurrect the dying skills of mine. I miss writing fan fictions—I miss it a lot.

I am also going to do all things great in life—sleep and more sleep. The past several months in second semester has taken its toll on me by giving me the smallest amount of time to sleep. I have been working with assignments and more assignments, I don't sleep. Now, I am going to sleep as much as I could. I could imagine myself gaining so freaking much weight but to hell, I am still sleeping all the time. I have panda eyes. I don't like panda eyes on mine. I hate it.

Now, I finally have the time to finish reading the novel I picked up several months ago. I am going to enjoy this sweet holiday, everybody. Thank you for the entertainment second semester, we will meet in third semester in two weeks time.

Guess What, Here Comes 2011.

found via HAPPY NEW YEARS MY FOLLOWERS
It is finally the time for everyone to say goodbye to 2010 and welcome the year of 2011 with open hearts. I have so many memories—both detestable and loveable. I am happy to say that it is finally the time to let go and chase after what I am dreaming upon the future. In this 2011, I am going to open a new book and write beautiful memories in it. Hopefully, 2011 will not be a hard year for me. For many reasons, I am going to smile and wish for the best in many years to come. Even after a dull night during New Year's Eve—the lack of social activities to be blamed again—however, I have freaking much fun watching the awesome performances of Korean music. Hey, I am not lying—it was freaking fun.

The not so beautiful thing about 2011 is that I have to revise my notes for the upcoming final examination. Oh great, a good way to spoil my New Year mood. Everybody, school is going to start very soon so go and get your things ready for first day of school. To my college mates, good luck for the final examination. I am wishing you all well. Okay, I am wishing my self well too.

2010 has been a fun ride—there are so many ups and so many downs altogether. Let us all hope that 2011 will bring us gazillion good memories. Say hello to 2011, people. We are going to have the company of 2011 for another 365 days.

Another note to self, I will be coming back with my 2010 Favorites List—the continuation of what I have done way back in 2009. And not forget of course, the fan girl post of the vocalist with eyeliner and the other four boys who rocked the white outfit and the whole performance tonight as well. Let us remember back on what bring us the most joy in 2010, should we?

She Who Laugh Might Ends Up Crying In The End.

found via just for tonight, darling, let's get lost
Listening to the cover version of the song Poker Face by FT Island really does help me a lot through writing this post. I realize I have write quite an impressive post about trying to stay positive about love on my previous post and despite that I should have use this time to memorize the newspaper for the newspaper quiz tomorrow, I believe that writing this one particular post is even more important—because the reason why I write this post is because someone has hurt my dearest best friend.

Okay, let us talk about love and the negative side of it. That one particular girl is now a girlfriend to another one particular boy from the circle of friends I have. I am totally fine about that. But does she really have to stalk my best friend's blog and somehow laugh at her for not being able to have the boy she secretly loves—just because that boy happens to be her new boyfriend? Girl, that is an act of a loser. Oh, excuse my language. That is an act of a b*tch.

You never laugh at someone who can't have the person he/she loves. That is just pure evil.

Admiration is a strong word. There is nothing wrong for my best friend to admire this one particular boy because obviously, we all do the same thing sometimes. I admit, I do admire certain boys but that doesn't mean I want to kidnap him and keep him all for myself. Girls admire boys because sometimes they have the criteria we are looking for in our perfect boyfriend type. I mean, I would like to have Ashton Kutcher as my boyfriend and there is no wrong for me to admire a boy who I may accidentally meet who perhaps looks a little like Ashton Kutcher. I believe I have done nothing wrong.

So girl, I know that you believe you are awesome. Okay, I am not going to argue about that because I have no idea who you are and the last memory I have when I talk to you is the time when you ask me to do this and that as if I am your maid—but no, I am not keeping any grudge over someone like you—it would be a waste of my time. But like seriously, no one—and that includes you—have the right to laugh at someone who can't have the person he/she secretly likes. No, that is not right. You are allowed to be happy with whoever you like but never, laugh at others. That is an act of a brainless b*tch. The part where you hurt my friend through doing that means you are a biggest b*tch ever.

Excuse my language dear readers. I believe that I may not have the perfect grammar like that one particular girl but I believe we all have the rights to write whatever we want and like. I support my friend for not hiding her feelings—because to like someone whether secretly or openly is never a sin. It is an act that proves that we all have feelings because we all are just human beings. You b*tch, I wish you all the best with that boy—of whom unfortunately is my friend. May you all live happily ever after—although I am not sure if holding hands and saying I love you today to each other might ends up in marriage.

Love is a free thing—we don't have the rights to stop anyone from feeling it—even if somehow, another person might just secretly likes your special ones. Believe me b*tch, karma is a delicious treat—what goes around, comes around.

One Beautiful Thing Called Love.

found via the starts set fire to my eyes
I could see that love is budding between some of my friends. I like to see these couples rising from among our friends—but in the same time it starts to be freaking awkward. I mean, to work with couples and see them together in projects creeps the hell out of me. I am fine with them being together all the time but do they really have to let the whole world knows that they are officially couples? I don't think that is an appropriate move, especially when you are dating someone from the same circle of friends.

Okay, I admit that I am jealous. So what, I am a human and I am allowed to be jealous. I am pathetically single and in love with a celebrity that doesn't even know I exist. Oh come on, just admit I am quite a pathetic one in this matter. I have trouble finding love and being in love. My past relationships—not so well. Each ends either tragically or just horribly. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I don't think love and me have any kind of chemistry at all.

The worst part is that, I freaking hate Chemistry subject in high school too but that is totally out of the discussion. Who would have a great time memorizing the Periodic Table when the only memory of studying Chemistry in high school is the moment when we spilled some kind of acid and we ran like crazy children to the sink to wash our itchy and reddish hands. Oh, those memories.

Back to the matter of discussion, I admit that I would not say no to love right now. I have been single like way too long and I think that this is the time for me to open my heart and learn to accept the reality. Let bygones be bygones. I don't have any grudge against boys for the mistakes I have done with love in the past—like some of the girl I know in college—and I am absolutely fine in welcoming a boy who would love me as much as I could love him. Love is a beautiful thing, I would love to cherish it.

Guess I would have to celebrate Valentine's Day alone again like a loser next year. Let me recall the last time I celebrated Valentine's Day—of which I believe to be two years ago, perhaps. Oh my God, it has seriously been two years since the last time I actually celebrated Valentine's. What a loser.

All The Sweet Lies.

found via fight off your demons
I am about to tell the truth—of only those who have understand me completely would know. I met my friends recently and by chance, I have the opportunity to introduce my colleagues from college to them through the pictures I kept in my mobile phone. Upon seeing the pictures, one of my friend—of whom have know me even better than I am—asked the reason why I looked different with them than with my college friends.

“Why is it that you look different?”
“What do you mean?”
“Look at these...these are not the outgoing and cheerful friend I know.”
“Come on, I was incredibly happy in those pictures.”
“Are you now?”
“Don't talk in riddles, what do you really mean by that?”
“I mean, if you were really happy back then with them as this girl who looked way different than the girl I know, are you still happy with them now?”
“I am.”
“Fuck your lies, I am your friend. I could see through you. You are not you when you are with them.”

To be honest, I am a pretender. I am a sweet con artist who works deliciously good among people in college. I am a liar. In college, you will see me trying my hardest to just fit in. I will put on clothes I will not wear regularly. I will put on make-ups just that I could feel pretty among the pretty ones in classes. I will speak in a way I could not understand myself. I would like things I hate to death to impress the friends I think I have around me. I would do things I usually will not. I am becoming a person I am not every time I go to college.

It is painful—but it keeps me from feeling isolated. It makes me feel as if I fit in, somewhere. I am not trying to lie but understand me please, I am trying to fit in. I am trying to be like one of them so that I could feel as if I belong somewhere. The option of being myself means I am willing to shut myself from anyone—not because I am crazy or scary for people to approach—but because I have a different perspective in life that might not be the normal thing for other people. I try not to hurt myself by seeing myself float away from people. I don't like them to ignore me, because it hurt so freaking much; even if it means I have to lie. To them, to myself.

Class And Stuffs That Go With It.

Note to self—never start my morning with earphones in my ears and putting on my Windows Media Player on repeat mode of some self-destructive ballad songs—all these could terribly make me miss my bed and my pillows and the only time I could sleep.

Someone obviously need to stop enjoying heavy breakfast in class or I will end up murdering her. I am trying so freaking hard not to reveal an identity but if you are the one ready this post—well, just to let you know that it gets freaking irritating to have you enjoying those heavy breakfasts in class when my stomach is growling like crazy every morning. Girl, I hate you so freaking much I hope you choke on those food you eat. Hah, there goes my morning.

This...has make me hate to attend classes even more. I wish I could get over with the finals and get the hell over with this mess. I am already creating a big mess over my Basic English class and whats not, I don't need to get into another mess with her. I don't like her—I like her better before she broke up with her boyfriend. Bring me back that girl instead of this selfish one.

I need this class to start so freaking soon. I need to get on with my live instead of continuing to hate her and the rest of the world. Teenage life, what is so freaking awesome about it anyway?

Right now, I am changing my playlist to something brighter—Flower Rock anyone? Huh, no picture attach for now. Internet connection sucks big time and I have exceeded the limit. Oh great for me.

Lose These Emotions.

found via Call her moonchild, dancing
When I was young, I believe in all those beautiful fantasies about the adult life without knowing the thin lines of lies and pains in between the sweet things. Now that I am becoming a year older, it seems like all those thin lines are visible enough to suffocate me—in a life of which I do not wish to live anymore. Am I too close to commit the ultimate sin—suicide? I am too coward for such bravery.

Death is too valuable for someone like me. I am an amazingly coward person. I have no bravery to close my eyes and just literally let go of life. I am too scared of the consequences, I am just too scared to not be able to walk away and look back at what I am leaving.

I am not in the right state to actually write a proper post right now. My friend(s) is leaving college one by one and damn it, I hate when this happen. I am so freaking scared to tell my parents about this—who wouldn’t considering that I have already quit once before. I tried to be optimistic about this but yeah, I failed miserably. For the first time in my life, I feel like I really belong somewhere when I am with my dearest friends. Guess, this mean I am never going to be a part of something at all. Well, thankfully I have such skills in living my life in solitary so I think I am going to do fine. For how long, I don't know though.

I do have so much fun today thanks to my sisters and my mother and of course, my lovely nephews but this is such heartbreak. I mean, I love what I am doing right now. I just don’t know if I could do it any longer if one by one the people I actually care about it leaving. Damn this feeling—I wish I am emotionless so that I won’t feel any of these horrible feelings—all in the same time.

Is there any way to send these feelings away? I just ask for someone to give me a way to make me feel as if I am floating high enough in between the fluffy clouds, too far to touch the reality I am drowning in. I just want to close my eyes and forget this heartache. I just want to swallow this bitter taste and let it go. I just want to run away, and hope that no one will find.

In conclusion, I just want to disappear and never come back.