There Are Silent Murderers Somewhere, Sweetheart.

found via It's not about how you look it's about how you see
Could I say that this sixth semester is the hardest semester I have to live through in college? It is only three or four weeks since the semester starts but the pressure are building intensively that I do not think it is an option to either die or to simply kill my self before this semester actually ends.

First assignments are usually those simple tasks—the ones I could simply finish a day before dateline, because I am the best at procrastinate and act as if I am a boss to be able to do such things and things like that much alike—but this time it will be absolutely different. The assignments are murderers; I am saying this by mean it could kill, literally.

The first assignment for Radio & TV Production class is that I have to come out with ideas for a television talk show program—which mean I have to play the role of whoever it is who comes out with ideas for a new television talk show on real television. This is the only class I have to go through with a bunch of broadcasting students altogether thus the pressure are high, seriously.

To think I—a horrible almost anti-social journalism student—to have the ability to think exactly as how broadcasting students are able to is simply ridiculous. I may be good in terms of writing but to come out with a new idea for a television talk show is just ridiculous, plain ridiculous.

It goes the same for the first assignment for Media Psychology class. I am horrible in assignments that involves outings assignments—those that needs me to leave my house and do real field works out there in real world, when I am all anti-reality right here in my own imaginary world. To actually see me cover an event and write a news about it—oh God, just let me dig a hole and allow me to live in there permanently.

I don’t think there is a way out from this semester unless it means death. I am going to fail, I could already feel it. It is either I run away or face it bravely, but ends up miserably. Why must it become this difficult? It is these little things that make me feel that I should have not quit graphic design in the first place. Should just stay through the hardship of an art student rather than to mingle with this kind of problems.

Assignments are really the murderers that will haunt me until the very end of this route. They will literally become the death of me—or perhaps my already dying brain cells, because lately I am not able to think properly without fucking up my life even more. I am already a train-wreck; I do not need those murderers I call as assignments to wreck it all up even more for me. 

Now let me sit in my personal corner and cry my eyes out at how I am going to miserably ruin all of my assignments by my self. Everything is due next week—I am so going to die by that time. Or if I am still alive by some miracle, please lend me a hand and shoot a bullet from a revolver through my brain. Make it less painful please, because reality and life are already too hard for me to handle while alive.

It Was Raining, But There He Was.

found via You are loved
Ah, I do not intend to write anything that involves awesome anime boys in school uniform—not that I want anyone to ever label me as a pedophilia or some sort of anything relates to it. I just do not want to ruin this moment and I mean come on, anime boys in school uniforms are hot. I have to say, if they really do exist in reality, I would not mind becoming a stalker for them.

I tend to like boys who are mostly in the art department—the one who smells of oil paint or perhaps the one with pencil stains on his rough fingers, or just the one who sits in a corner with a sketch book and an old pencil—those kind of boys who spend more time with their creativity sides rather than reality.

It may be the fact that I use to imagine my life in that world, the world of endless arts. I picture my self to work with lifeless utensils and apparatus to create an art that seems alive even may be just for me. For that I have the tendency to like boys who could draw, or simply those who are in the art department.

He wears a blue shirt and carries a black backpack—of which I see the most because I stalk him from behind—and one thing that makes him stands out is not the fedora he wears or anything—but the black case art students usually carry to bring along humongous drawing or layout pads around. I don’t even know its name, silly me.

It clicks in all the right places. I like that kind of boys and I mean a lot. I like someone who would talk more about his art and most of the time when he does not talk; his eyes would look as if it is deep enough to drown in it. I hate boys who talk so much—considering that the boys in my faculty all talks like shit, literally—and the ones who are mostly in the art faculty seems quiet and reserved.

I do not even know why I am writing this but perhaps I just want to keep this memory alive. I mean, I really like boys who are very good with arts. I like them more than boys who talk shit about music and stuffs. You do not know how deep art people could get when they actually talk about their arts.

Anyway, I hope to bump into him again next week. I try to catch up with him while we walk from the LRT station to the college but I am wearing my pair of flats and the one who walks in front of me is too slow that I do not have the chance to walk pass him. Let’s meet again, art boy. Even if I could only see you from far away, I would like that.

Dude, Thanks For The Annoyance.

found via You Only Live Once
Shoot me or if it make you feel better, just come here and chop my head off literally because I do not fucking care about how you feel towards me. But this is seriously making me feel more like shit rather than anything else. Honestly, I do not fucking care. You can either hate me or do whatever you want but seriously, this is completely not something I should just ignore.

I know it is my fault that I absolutely love to finish assignments during the last minutes—I mean a day before the submission date or like thirteen hours before, something like that—but come on, I am not the only one who does that.

I appreciate it that you are taking a nice change—you are basically becoming the example student who attends classes regularly and does all things perfectly lately—but that does not mean you are have the complete right to say something to whoever ask for your help during the last moments before submission.

Seriously, YOU DID THAT A LOT previously. Need some refreshment with that rusty memories of yours, I assume? Why do not we go back to the days when you bluntly asked me to finish your summary lead assignment one hour before class started? I guess you could also remember the time you ask me to lend notes and stuffs like that several hours before examinations. Honestly, I did not give you the cold treatment like how you do right now. Did I chase away, NO. Did I say no to help you, FUCKING NO. Did I blame you for finishing your assignments during the last minutes, ABSOLUTELY NO.

Then what gives you the privileges to say all those hurtful things when it is MY TIME TO ASK YOU TO HELP ME WITH MY LAST MINUTE PREPARATION FOR ASSIGNMENT BEFORE ITS SUBMISSION DATE?

It is too fucking hard for you to just help me out? Is it hurtful to just give me the fucking notes you copy and do not mind whether I am able to finish it by the next day? IS IT TOO HARD FOR YOU TO JUST SPEND FIVE FUCKING MINUTES FROM YOUR SO-FUCKING-PERFECT-STUDENT LIFE TO HELP ME OUT WITH MY ASSIGNMENTS JUST LIKE HOW I DID TWO FUCKING SEMESTERS PREVIOUSLY?

Dude, this is the first time I used caps lock to vent out my annoyance towards someone and that fucking fortunate man is you. Yeah, you—the former class representative and so-seemingly perfect college student.

I never did say this BUT I AM FUCKING REGRETFUL THAT I EVER HELP YOU THAT DAY. I SHOULD HAVE NOT HELPED YOU AT ALL. I SHOULD NOT WRITE THAT STUPID SUMMARY LEAD FOR ANY OF YOU. I FUCKING HELP YOU AND FIVE OTHERS STUDENTS ON THAT DAY BECAUSE I WANT TO BE HELPFUL AND THIS IS WHAT I RECEIVED IN THE END? Is this how your parents teach you on how to appreciate others? I wish I let all of you got scolded by the lecturer that day.

I SHOULD NEVER MINGLE WITH ANY OF YOU FROM THE BEGINNING. This just hurt so much that I want to literally kill him. I am sorry but I hate you. YOU ARE NOT A FRIEND, IDIOT. You will never be my friend.

Choices Are Hard To Make, Sweetheart.

found via under cover of darkness...
I hate it the most when I have to make a choice—I have to choose between this and that. It always feels as if it is the hardest moment in life to just think and choose. It is pleasant to have options in life but it seems that making a decision is not quite as pleasant as it sounds. I hate to think thoroughly about options I have—sometimes there are more than just two or three—and I always end up making the incredibly horrible choice. I know that everyone makes mistakes but I do not forgive my self easily upon a mistake. I will continuously blame my self.

It is apparent that my inability to memorize the nineteen Arabic lines for a subject in college is entirely my fault. The lecturer clearly gives ample time for us to memorize each line and I only spend a week out of the long period of time to memorize. I only memorize five lines out of the nineteen Arabic lines. I know I should blame my self but I refuse because I am stubborn.

I should recite the nineteen Arabic lines tomorrow in class by nine and here I am in my bedroom alone by my self—considering the choices on whether to attend class and allow the lecturer to kill me for not be able to recite the entire nineteen lines or to just skip class and pretend as if nothing really happen as I return back to class next week.

This should be an easy choice—if the lecturer is not getting on my nerve almost every week. I know it is her responsibility to say things about this and about that regularly in class as to remind us but she obviously does not have to become horribly sarcastic about everything. It is fine if she advices us nicely and in a proper manner but seriously, she could drop the sarcasm. I should be the only one with a delicious treat of sweet sarcasm.

I know that choosing the later option will influence my grade badly for this semester while I am already screwing up half of my grades for the other subjects. I am completely a mess in this fifth semester. I should not choose the later option because I do not want to be a bad example but I have no courage to face the sarcastic lecturer tomorrow and allow her to say whatever she wants about me when I have no space to voice out my opinion.

This deserves to give another thorough thinking. I should rethink about what I should do—should I continue to memorize the remaining Arabic lines or should I forget everything and pretend nothing actually going to happen tomorrow. I do not know anything anymore. Half of my friends who are taking the same subject but in a different class have already given up entirely and my other friends from the same class are thinking about the same option.

Should I really just give up and walk away?

I do not know what I should do anymore. I just want to bury my face in the ground or hide somewhere where reality will not bother to look for me. I just want to evaporate and choose not to make a choice. I want to disappear and allow no one to search for my existence. I do not want to live in this suffocating reality anymore.

Takes A Month To Disappear, Darling.

found via weheartit
It takes me a month of procrastination to actually write something. I do not what I should actually write anymore, that I do not feel as if to come here anymore. I try hard not to ditch anything—I mean; somehow I still love this small space where I am free to be my self.

I spend too much time trying to make excuses to my self—I will not do any assignment because I am probably too lazy to even write the cover page, I will not move out from my bedroom because I do not have anything else to do in the living room, I will not wake up from my sleep because I need more time to sleep, I will not stop my interest in anime recently because it is the only way I do not feel alone in this world—and yeah, the list of excuses will continue. I do not find life to be anything near interesting anymore lately. I am basically alive for the purpose of the human shell that I continue to occupy.

Surely I know that I am probably becoming too melancholic with my own life and I am a little dramatic with the little downs of life but I need to say something—at some point, I am nothing but a time bomb. I am off to explode; I am just waiting for the right time to transform into pieces.

Fifth semester of college begins and here comes the hell in shape of assignments—it gets pretty ridiculous lately with the insane amount and type of assignment. I mean, I do know everyone does this but oh fuck, I hate this. I do not give any fuck to anything relates to college anymore.

In the end, I continue to rant about my life to bore almost everyone—if barely anyone who reads this. I will brush off this melancholic side of my self, which probably happens because it is currently raining and I am feeling a bit homeless to have to bring all of my things out from the bedroom and move temporarily into the living room at midnight to allow my younger sister to properly use the bedroom for sleeping purpose tonight. I hate this, seriously.

Anyway, good night world, I need to put a rest to my self too. Probably the crazy idea to skip class tomorrow would make me happier. Yeah, I will probably do that. Mom, I am going to skip class tomorrow. I do not feel like attending News Editing—the main reason would be that I do not finish my assignment, thank you.

Dear Final Examination, Farewell.

found via weheartit
Final examination is officially over—it is time to throw the confetti, bring out the drinks and let us have the wildest party as I celebrate this temporary freedom. I do not think I have done my best for the three subjects I sit for the final examination—none could actually give me an outstanding grade, as far as I am concerned—but yeah, at least I did what I think I could. Not my best, but still acceptable.

Goodbye goodbye my dear fourth semester, it has been a short but fantastic journey for the past several weeks. It will forever be in my mind—how could it not when I spent hours finishing ridiculous 1000-words assignment for Feature Writing, building a Japanese castle model for three days and participating in a choral speaking for the first time since high school. It has been a wonderful journey while it last but when it is over, it suddenly feels better.

I do not feel like writing any longer. I am off to enjoy the night—No.6 anime is on at midnight, I must not distract my self from the beauty of this anime. I will try to post some appropriate things tomorrow or maybe later, but before Hari Raya which is in a few days’ time.

Final Examination Took This Weekend Away.

found via Rich World Problem
I am sorry for the lack of updates recently. I know I will usually insert some lame excuses here—come to blame my internet connection or probably some lousy assignments that take up half of my time every day or maybe something else that will always bothers me, all the time—but I am going to skip that part and jump straight into the conclusion where I will usually state, this is when I need to announce my disappearance.

For this, I gladly blame the final examination which starts unfortunately, today. Out of all the days through the week, I have to force my self to drag my lazy ass to college and sit for my first final examination question paper on a freaking Sunday. Oh well, there goes my lovely weekend.

I am going to sit for my Feature Writing at one this afternoon so please, if you are reading this—of which I horribly think not—please send me all the good luck wishes that I need to at least do well on this paper. I need lots of luck and perhaps bits of fairy dust. I need magic.

The other two final examination papers—which are for Academic Reading and Writing and Critical and Creative Thinking will be on Tuesday and Thursday respectively before I amazingly begin my awesome semester break that will last until September 11. I fucking love my love; this is with an obvious sarcastic tone.

Anyway, since today is the birthday of my husband no, scratch that—since today is the birthday of the 16-dimensional face behind the amazing Good Morning Bob series, Song Seunghyun of FT Island—I am here to humbly wish this one hell of a perfection, Happy Birthday. Oh God, only God knows how much love I have for this amazing guitarist. Anyway Seunghyun, have fun on your birthday as Hongki already mentioned that your birthday cake will be on the stage during your concert today. I will definitely find my way to meet you one day, so prepare yourself for this crazy fan of yours. Happy birthday again, Seunghyun—and oh, do not forget to eat a lot and put some weight into your thin figure.

Okay, I am done with this nonsense. I am off to take a bath and pretend to memorize my notes. I still hope I could do well—if not well, at least able to answer all question before I could storm out from the examination room. Dear God, help me out. Dear people of Blogger world who I never know but yet still care to mention here, wish me luck.

I Would Care Less, I Would Not Care At All.

found via Ooh, but don't mention love
I could not understand the students in the private college I am currently attending—they do not come to class regularly, they do not show any corporation in doing assignments and projects, they do no obey any rules and they actually expect to excel in the final examination without obtaining the NC grade or fail the whole subject by itself. I mean, this is actually funnier than any comedies I could watch.

Here is the drill—I know that this is a private college. We do not have strict and cruel rules like the ones in public universities. But that does not mean that we could practically do whatever we want in our college life, right? I mean, we still have to attend classes daily, we still have to participate in projects and finish our assignments, we still some loose rules to follow and obey. This is college anyway, people.

I do not want to suffocate my life with all these matters because I could care less about your grades. I have my own grades to worry and to take care about. The last thing I need is to take care of yours. I am not going to lose anything if you are to fail. I just need to make sure I do not fail too. So remember, the next time you fuck up your grades and obtain fail, do not come and complain about it to me. Blame it on your self, losers.

If you do not show any effort to make your grades better, why would you expect your grades to magically become better? There is nothing wrong in getting whatever you have paid for. You do little work; the college administration is off to give you little pleasure. I hope you learn your lesson. I am not here to fix your problem. I have my own problems to care about.

The next time this happen, I am not afraid to completely ignore you. As I say, I have my own ugly little world to take care of. I do not have to take care of your nasty little world too. If you are off to fuck your grades right now, go on and continue doing an excellent job with it.

Hey There Lecturers, Hey There.

found via weheartit
I know, God does not always give you all the things that you want and like in life. I understand it better than anyone else that it is probably close to the proximity of zero percent for me to actually have lecturers that I do not feel as if I want to strangle her or him every time I see her or him in all the subjects that I am currently taking for my fourth semester.

First of all, I love the lecturer for the Academic Reading and Writing. I have disastrous memories with my previous English lecturers but I do not think I will have one with this subject. I mean, I actually like her—a lot. She is not as fussy as the one I have in second semester and she does not bore to me death like the lecturer I have in my first and third semesters. I do not think I could ever hate her.

As for the second, I also love the lecturer for Critical and Creative Thinking class. She is a Malay lecturer and a nice one too. I have encountered several Malay lecturers that I actually quite like for the previous semesters and I like this particular lecturer as well. I could be that I am studying Critical and Creative Thinking as she allows us to be more creative in answers we give in class. I am enjoying her class so far—which is a good thing, because I do not feel as if I want to hang my self to death during class. Good, this is actually good.

Well, this fortunate event of meeting all these nice lecturers discontinues the moment I registered for the Features Writing subject. This subject supposedly taught by my favorite lecturer, who unfortunately resigned during the end of my previous semester. This semester, this one particular subject is being taught by none other than the lecturer who previously taught Reporting and News Writing classes.

Oh, hi there disaster.

I will try not to rant or to bash him but I could not bring my self to actually like him. He is nice yes, but the way he teaches in class annoys me. He does not actually teach anything but to tell us stories that I do not actually care. Who wants to know about his acquaintances when I should worry about the notes I need to remember for the final examination. I appreciate that he wants to share his stories but too frequent is not good. I mean, once a month would be nice but do I need to listen to his stories that have nothing to do with the subject I am currently taking?

God, please save me from this hell ride.

I could have like Features Writing subject—because unlike Reporting and News Writing, it does allow me to be freer in writing. I could write in ways I like rather than to bind with formats. Ah, if it is not because of the lecturer, I would terribly love this subject. I am sorry, but at this point there is no way I could probably like this subject anymore. I could already develop hate and resentment towards it.

God, saves me from this ten weeks of disaster for Features Writing class. I do enjoy my other classes but please reduce the annoyance I have to face on every Monday. I know it is terribly wrong to hate the lecturer when he believes that he does no wrong but I could not bring my self to like him or anything that he teaches. Who comes in fifteen minutes late for class and without starting the lesson, he gives the first assignments for another fifteen minutes and ends the class soon after that. I mean, I love to leave early but without learning anything, it is like a visit to the convenient store.

Okay, I will try to calm down and pretend nothing really happen. I will learn to like this fourth semester. I need to make sure I am able to maintain the grades I am currently holding onto for this semester as well. I need to get a hold over things—especially over the resentment I develop for Features Writing. I will like it, I hope so.

Now I just need a time to sigh and bang my head on the wall in desperation. It is probably too late to drop the subject and to register another new subject. It is too late to do any more changes and now, I am off to suffer another eight weeks of pure annoyance throughout Features Writing class. God, please save my poor soul.

Still, if I do not die of annoyance by the end of the fourth semester could someone kindly enough shoot me with a rifle and allows me to die in peace rather than to hate anything else even more?

This Crazy Life, My Crazy Life.

found via weheartit
I don’t know which one is crazier—the fact that I have classes to attend for five days in a week from Monday to Friday or the fact that I have no more time to give my self a proper rest that I will eventually fall asleep while standing up during the ride back home through the LRT train. Okay, I officially announce that my life is completely crazy as soon as I started this forth semester in college.

The torturing wait at the administrative counter has blissfully ended. I walked away from the hell hole with a schedule that made my stomach twisted into a tight knot and my head spun like a top. You have got to be kidding me—I have classes on every freaking day through the weekdays. That is like going to work, as if I love my college so freaking much that I have to come to this hell hole every day. The only good thing in this matter is that this forth semester is a short semester—I could assume this hell-hole ride will end shortly. Let us all have our fingers crossed for that, shall we?

I am still drafting my daily schedules—take the LRT train back home, wait patiently for the bus to arrive at the LRT station, hitch a ride on the local bus to the nearest stop to my neighborhood, and walk like an idiot through the lonely path into my neighborhood with heavy heart. Would someone actually shoot me to death if I do not die of naturally by the end of this month, please? Please make it less painful as I have already live through one painful life for twenty years.

I need to get my self a pair of freaking good shoes for all those walks I am going to go through. Someone please buy me more clothes because to actually go to college for five days a week eventually made me wear all those clothes in my wardrobe. I do not want to be that nerd girl who wears the same clothes every week, seriously. Please buy me a better bag—a bag I could fit all of my necessities—my laptop, my purse, my notes, my pencil case, my mp3 player, my headphone, my other stuffs and if possible, a guitarist with red pants and an alter ego by the name Bob would be nice. Bob, get into my bag. Or if it is possible, get into my bedroom and stay there. Yes, you should stay. I am locking the door, Bob. Wait a minute, what the hell am I talking about right here?

But seriously, I need a freaking guitarist from the Five Treasure Island who sexily wears red pants and live inside a hole with his guitar and sometimes talk random English to be in my life—in my bedroom, right this instant.

Oh God, I do not even have time for my treasure boys anymore. I have limited time to access the Internet, even more to do what I do the best—becoming a fan-girl. I could no longer scream at my laptop screen upon watching videos of the boys. I do not save tons of pictures into my folders anymore. I do not hug my pentastick to sleep any night anymore (okay, I am being exaggerative, I do not do that). What hurts even more is that they are ending their promotion so damn soon. What the hell, FNC Music. They are only back for a month and now you are sending them back for a Japanese summer tour? Why do you FNC people love Japan so freaking much? I need my treasure boys in South Korea, idiots. I do not want them to go on tour and end their Hello Hello promotion so freaking fast. My mother needs her dose of Hello Hello every week. My nephews need their Hello Hello dosage every week too. What the hell, just make them Japanese already if you are forever taking them there. Japan, I envy you.

I miss that time when my Tumblr dashboard almost breaks because of FT Island when they released the music video teaser and the music video itself. Where have those precious times gone?

I need to get my allowance faster—I have Return mini-album and the Beautiful Journey DVD to buy as soon as possible. I could no longer wait for anything else. College is catching up to my life and if I lose this battle, I will lose my pride as a loyal fan girl of FT Island. I am going to die. Come on life; just give me a chance to be my self again. I will not ruin my life, but reality is possibly ruining mine.

This Is The Friday Post, Thank You.

While finishing the assignments earlier this week, a big mess.

The terrifying week of endless assignments has successfully ends—with only one group assignment to finish and I off to enjoy weeks without burdens until final examination comes in mid-May. Less than a month to go, yet my notes are like a bundle of masses—lots of papers, too much to even fit my shelf.

Bad news people—I dropped my laptop for the first time in my life, ever. It tragically happened during Reporting class last yesterday when I accidentally dropped my laptop which was switched on—I was busy editing my fan fiction in class, which calls for a punishment does it. It just dropped off the portable desk and I heard all this gasps from my fellow classmates. Thanks for the horror, people.

My baby Samsung playing Satisfaction MV on replay throughout the whole night.

God, I feel like I want to cry, literally. Thankfully, the class has carpeted floor and the height from where the laptop fell was not high or else, I would cry my heart out. My dearest Samsung R439—one of my bundle of joys in life—please forgive me for accidentally dropped you. Don’t go against me, please. I need you so freaking much, you are an addiction.

It is Friday people, which mean presentations for Effective Speaking class. We have to do persuasive speeches this time and I have chosen a campaign for my fellow classmate to follow—the No Plastic Bag Day campaign. I feel like a complete nerd for choosing such environmentalist’s topic. Anyhow, I did quite well this time and I scored a nice 75 marks out of 100 marks—which is satisfying enough when I did most of the presentation with a blank mind and continuously reading from my speech text. The lecturer reminded me to communicate more with the audience. Yeah, I will do that like, never. I have poor social skills, remember?

The new speech text I managed to print on the morning of the presentation like a boss.

The comments by the lecturer regarding my presentation, 75 marks out of 100 marks.

However, the attendance for this speech is devastating. Only ten people were presented and we all finished our speeches in approximately one hour and a half perhaps. How frustrating, for those who dream about achieving all those ridiculous dreams, you have to at least show an effort people. Success does not come by it self. If you can’t commit to such things in college, imagine how you would face the career world soon? Get a brain in those small heads of yours, people. Stop with the day-dreaming and think straight in reality please.

I was supposed to meet my fellow group-mates today but one of them said that she could not join due to health problem thus, the meeting was cancelled. I was left to be stranded in college for approximately six hours like an idiot. It was a boring experience and I did not eat a single thing since the early morning. I have to drop my bag in the car when my dad arrived to pick me up from college and rushed to the Seven Eleven to get my self something to eat.

Big bowl of Sambal Sotong, Ikan Cencaru Goreng and an instant noodles, all for my self.

Ah, the lack of meals forced me to have such heavy dinner to redeem the hunger I sustained while sitting alone in the cafeteria. I could not leave my table because I have my laptop on and I was by my self. I could not pick everything up, go to the counter and order my self a nice bowl of noodles and return back, set up the laptop all from the beginning. I would be like an idiot. Yet I am still an idiot who sustain her hunger like a maniac one whole day.

I am off to enjoy the weekends, people. I am putting Satisfaction single album on repeat on my Windows Media Player, on the play-list of my mp3 player and on the media player in my mobile phone. The track Friends is a pure addiction, it is my new crack and my new ecstasy. Call me crazy, people. I do not care.

Not Quite The Monday Blues, Honey.

It has been quite a stressful day for my self—I can’t quite explain but yes, I am completely exhausted, thank you very much. I have been struggling with my assignments lately and I have ignored my own self to finish all the shit—excuse my language—for the sake of my grade in the end of the semester. I am suffering constant headache, stomachache and the lost of appetite. On a brighter note, here I am on a diet mode without even trying to starve my self.

I have to submit all the shit for Reporting and News Writing by this Thursday which mean I have approximately two days to finish all the shit like some kind of crazy maniac—as if I enjoy this torturing journey. However, the lousy lecturer has kindly gave us lots of hints for the final exam which reduced the burden of studying like crazy for final exam less heavier than it was before. Thank you, oh my God. For once, the lecturer did something meaningful for us—his students.


Out of the ten news stories, I have successfully wrote four of which I spent about two hours inside the basement café of my college this morning to finish. I am such a lazy student, I know. I have yet ten more summary leads to write and three major assignments to write to be submitted altogether on this Thursday.

The usual group of friends were absent from today’s class as if they have planned it wonderfully. Great for us who lazily dragged our selves to attend the class, we now have hints of what we would answer for the final exam, as well as what we should focus on more. Meanwhile those lazy assess would not know a thing about it because I am going to be selfish to those who are using me all these times starting from today. But yes, those who are kindly enough to help me before will be receiving help from me don’t worry.

I realize I need to be really selfish in surviving this cruel college world. I could not pretend to be the good girl and suffer the consequences all by my self. I am tired of covering up for other people’s mistakes and doing what they should do. Instead, I am living a life of my own right now. I do not care about others—except for those who care enough to care for me—I don’t even give a damn whether they are going to be alive or dead. You guys and girls set up this whole cruel world where I am the one who suffered, now live in it because I am getting my own ass out of it, thank you very much.

I am contemplating on whether I should attend tomorrow class of Principle of Advertising because I am not feeling quite normal right now. Seriously, I have this annoying buzzing sound in both of my ears and my head is ten times heavier than ever. I am skipping dinner because my stomach does not feel good at all. I am not sure what the hell is wrong with my self right now but all I can think about is just getting some good night sleep and I will let my self in the morning tomorrow to decide whether I would attend class or not.

I need to get back to my assignments, even though all I could think about is my dreamland.

Hey Monday, Go Away.

found via weheartit
It is ridiculous to think that I would be able to finish all assignments by the incoming week. I have assignments for each of the five subjects I am currently studying in this third semester. Lecturers are actually enjoying this art of torturing students—well, maybe just me in particular—of which I do not find it interesting in any way at all.

Let us start with Reporting class—the class of which I do not understand why I have to take for this semester. The lecturer is already giving me a headache and the assignments just make me hate everything about this subject even more. Seriously, I do not find any joy in this one particular subject.

The second subject is News Writing—in which has much similarities with Reporting class—including the lecturer. I got confused between these two subjects most of the time and I can’t even differentiate the two of them apart. I am sorry; I have completely given up on this subject too. To think that it is possible to finish ten news in one night and another three assignments—I must be crazy.

The Principle of Advertising group assignment is in a completely another dimension. When I have to work with people, I tend to work in a different mode. I found flaws in their works which I could not bluntly tell them about it. I tend to hate the way they do their work and wish I could do everything instead. I hate it even more when the one particular hateful girl is doing one of the major tasks in this group assignment—of which I believe she will screw it up big time, and I will have to repair the damage my self. Fuck it, bitch. I hope you do a good job or else, I will kill you, literally.

I need to be ready with presentation slides for Effective Speaking class and I have yet to choose between two topics—Earth Hour campaign or Saturday-Free of Plastic campaign. I can’t choose one right now and I have less than five days to submit the speech text to my lecturer and present my presentation on Friday with confidence. I am not confident, seriously. I need to do everything and it is stressing me out.

I wish I don’t have to wake up at six tomorrow and attend classes. I just want to hide underneath my pillows and cover my ears with my earphones with my favorite songs blasting through the speakers as I drift off into my dreamland. I need more sleep—I fell asleep almost everywhere and in any positions lately. I need to give my body a break, even for one day. I need it; I need it so very much.

Although I believe that these assignments will only end after I finish sitting for Final Exam in May.

I do not want Monday to come because the arrival of Monday means the arrival of a new week, some bunch of new things to be learnt and revised and it also means that a new bunch of assignments to be given out. I hate Monday—I mean, almost everyone else hate Mondays too. I do not want to wake up tomorrow. Monday comes in less than two hours. I need to wake up in less than eight hours. I have one thousand and one assignments to be done in that period of time—crazy I must say.

Cheers to Life and What Comes With It.

found via sixtiesstills
Blame the disappearance of the wireless internet connection or just my plain laziness lately, but I could not bring my self to post any update on this blog of mine. I apologize for the lack of updates that add up the boringness into my boring blog. I am such unexplainable blogger. However, I would also like to blame my self for not finishing much of the assignments that are starting to freak the hell out of me. I mean, I know that everyone else has assignments to do but mine are like—a giant storm of nothing but assignments. I have to do a freaking library research of which I don’t even understand what does that actually means.

I have also been doing a lot of shopping lately that it is absolutely unsafe for my financial situation. I am not rich enough to continue with this torturing hobby. I should stop, literally. But could I stop when I live in an area where everywhere I turn would be shopping malls with things I want to buy. Come to think about it, it will never help me. I even blame FNC Music for this problem. How could they produce the single of FT Island and in less than one month, ready to release the band’s first Japanese full album and now, dearest vocalist, leader and rapper have successfully teased us fan girls with vague possible comeback—which means a new Korean release. More money, I have to say.

Here will be the part where I attach the part about how I hate some people that inhabit my living space right now. I mean, I could have like them but they make me hate them even more lately. They are doing things that make my life hard, as if I do not have a hard life in the first place. They are occupying the spaces in my life that I should have used to do something else. I need to get rid of them but I could not find a proper way. I need to disseminate bugs, you know what I mean. Get the fuck off my life, desperate people. I do not need any of you, seriously.

I have been thinking, am I ranting a little too much? But I like it, because it gives me a way to express my anger. I need a space to breathe and let go, and now that this quiet habitat of mine is no longer just the habitat I own to my self, I am considering the option of creating a new living space for my self. I need to rant more to become a better person. I mean, who would live better while keeping all bad things to one self, anyway?

To think about tomorrow and the probability of suffocating my self with the presence of the one particular hateful girl who is literally making me feel like I want to kill her during a group discussion scares the hell out of me. I am thinking of any escape options. I am crafting some sneaky reasons to excuse my self from tomorrow and the hell that will come with it, but that will only make me look bad in the eyes of the other two friends in my work group that I dearly like and do not mind spending the rest of the day with.

Should I think about a way to make that hateful girl excuse her self from the work discussion instead?

Beautiful Day, Saturday.

Mid-term examination is officially over and although I could say goodbye to mid-term examination, I could not do the same with the assignments that continue to suffocate my living space. I am in an urgent need to free my self from this irritating mess.


found via Facebook
My fellow Journalism friends and I while waiting for the other friends to finish answering their News Writing examination paper outside the class, on the corridor of our college. We do not usually do this, no one would ever see us sitting this lazily along the corridor of the college during our free time. This could only be done because it was Saturday and no one comes to college on Saturdays except for examination and it was already late in the evening and everyone has left, except for us.

The final examination paper—News Writing—ended on Saturday and instead of going home and doing the usual boring routines of any boring Saturdays, I willingly followed my other Journalism friends to their outing for Photojournalism class. And yes, I do not take Photojournalism subject this semester. It happened that we are quite close to the lecturer and we did not mind taking the monorail and walked to Bukit Bintang to see how the outing was really done.



found via Facebook
Half the Journalism friends and I in front of the fountain outside Pavilion Kuala Lumpur with our lecturer; he is the man in the middle wearing a red t-shirt and a ZARA leather(?) jacket. He looked as if he was one of us, just slightly older but still, looked as if he could perfectly fit in with us and not like he is our lecturer. He is the only reason why my mom said yes when I asked for the permission to tag along the outing. He is a lecturer, my mom would not ask anymore.

It was an awesome field trip—bringing back the memories when I was younger and went to a field trip with my school mates. I learned a lot about photography—although I do not take this particular subject. I am officially registering for this subject next semester with my fellow friends who do not take it as well. I have fun watching those friends who are taking the subjects working with their DSLR but the best was that we managed to spend the whole evening with our out-going lecturer. Most people will not believe he is our lecturer. He looks like one of our friends.

Yesterday was supposedly the Earth Hour day but it did not seem to happen much in Bukit Bintang or Pavilion. It still looks extremely bright with lights all around us when we are about to leave. I can't never believe that I walked around Pavilion at night with my fellow friends. It was awesome, thank you very much. Although some complaints from the friend who I can't name were extremely irritating, I managed to stay calm and pretend nothing happened.

I got home with LRT with my other three girl friends and took the only taxi left at the train station home. It was already passed nine and almost ten when I finally reached home. My mom was extremely worried about my whereabouts, even more when she knew that I will be taking a taxi home. Fortunately, nothing bad happened and I safely reached home before ten. Thank God, I only ended up with some blisters thanks to my gladiator sandals of which I will never wear to college ever again. I know I should just wear my sneakers yesterday but my younger sister told me not to.

Hey friends, let's do this again. Although it is bad for my finance—the train tickets, the meals, the other things—but I feel happy when I am out with all of my friends. Surely, we should do this some other time. But in the meanwhile, I should save as much as I could to take my niece and my younger sister out for a lunch treat soon.

Keep Calm And Pretend To Study.

found via Above all the things.
I should be studying right now—I have two major papers tomorrow—yet I could not force my self to concentrate tonight. I have tried to do a better job earlier before lunch, I got all my notes and laptop into my dad's office room but still, I could not concentrate. In the end I ended up rearranging my messy book shelves instead of revising the notes for Principle of Advertising and Reporting subjects for tomorrow. I don't understand why I could not be like all those students in top-rated universities—who study as if it is the only thing they could do to continue being alive. I mean, I want to study hard too. But there are too many distractions around me that pull me away from my concentration. I have four more chapters to revise and memorize for Principle of Advertising and whereas I have completely give up on Reporting—because obviously I do not have the complete notes to revise on. God bless my soul.

I have my alarm clock set to wake me up at three in the morning so that I could force my self to concentrate on my study regardless what ever horror story my elder sister has told me earlier that might stops my noble intention to actually study. I found this trick to work because I could concentrate more in the early dawn, alone—listening to same play-list as I revise my notes. Although in the end I would only study for an hour before falling asleep on the couch in my living room, until my mom wakes me up at six thirty to get ready for college.

Only three more papers to sit for this mid-term examination and yet I still have to sit for the final paper on the evening of Saturday. I want to go out and have fun on Saturday—not sitting in a classroom answering the questions printed on the papers for News Writing subject.

Sigh—if only I could have a proper study table with much more comfortable swivel chair with cushion and a better air ventilation rather than this fan that creates squeaky noise and perhaps a brighter lighting in my bedroom for me to study—perhaps study time will not be this torturous.

Sad Songs For Dirty Lovers.

One in a while, I have to allow my jealousy speaks on my behalf. Unfortunately, today is the day I am allowing my jealousy speaks rather my usual conscience. I am going to allow my self to break free and let loose all these knots inside of me—just a sort of way to dissolve my self into effervescence for a little while. Sometimes I should learn to let the other sides of my self to speak.

First of all, I have a lot to say lately. I have been a silent observer rather than an active speaker (this I horribly blame the MDJ203 Effective Speaking notes I have to diligently study). It is rather uncomfortable not to be able to write everything but at least, I want to let loose what I have been dying to write actually. That is the word—let loose. My words, I am going to say everything in my own words.


found via weheartit
Dear young adults of whom I might know or not know (and do not bother to know at all) who kindly study in the same college as I do, thank you for becoming such nuisances for me lately. I understand that it gets pretty lonely to study in a college in this big man-eater city of nothingness and it somehow become necessary for everyone to couple up—I mean, to hook up with someone else—becoming such couples. I am pretending to happily smile as I write this—foolish me.

However, please know that I am a girl who comes from a very conservative family. Yes, you can call me outdated or weird or maybe just a plain nerd but I do not give a damn. You are not my competitor, you are not a competition. Of course, you want the whole college to know that you are happy with your partner (your boyfriend or your girlfriend, if you are stupid and oblivious enough to understand my words) but there is no need for you to flash your affection towards each other to every single human being. I mean, you can surely keep it all to your self. I do not need to know the way you hold each others hands or the way you kiss your partner. Seriously, there is no need to show everything. I really don't give a damn.

Surely each who reads this will think that I am just jealous because I don't have someone by my side to flash to every one else in college. The answer is however, yes—I am jealous. The reason is that yes, I do not have someone to flash to everyone else in college as my soul-mate whatsoever. Yes, I am pathetic. But surely your parents have teach you that if you are considering your self as a Muslim (or if you are still stupid, if your religion is Islam), you should know that there are laws regarding those skin-ship (okay, another standardized terms stupid people do not know—the gestures you do that involve skins—holding hands, touching cheeks, kissing, etc.). Of course I could tell you that I am jealous that you have a partner to walk by your self but no, I am not jealous that you have to add more sins to your endless list of sins now that you have someone and you are holding your partner's hands or kissing your partner or just simply do everything you want with your partner. I am not jealous—I am glad I don't have to carry such sins.

You could do anything you want with your partner somewhere else where the people do not really care to witness because obviously, I do care. I do not like to stain my eye-sights watching these people do whatever they want as if the college is their own private hotel rooms. We are attending the same public college, excuse me. Yes, I know that you don't care about what I think. And yes, even I do not freaking care about what you want to do. But hey, why bother to flash your affection towards each other as if someone else would actually want to see you and your partner together. Go and get your self a room if you really want to fuck up or something. College is not a place to let every one see what the hell you and your partner are going to do.

I know most of these people are Muslims—I am not practically stupid. Yes, we do not share the same grave when we die and yes, none of us share each other sins so I basically don't give a damn if you want to continue adding onto your sins. Please, go on and enjoy this temporary happiness on Earth. I am still a bit jealous that my life is rather lonely without a partner but at least I do not have to suffer the sins of committing skin-ship with a non-mahram. I am not that desperate, thank you.

I do not intend this post to any particular group of people. I am not good enough my self to lecture anyone but this is what I would like to write tonight. I do not care if you are going to bash me or to hate me because none of those are going to effect me—your words compare to my own are nothing but the tiny words appearing on the screen of my laptop. I could always close my eyes and pretend none of those exist. But this is what I want to write and what I have observed. My observations are not your to judge. I have my own mind, you have your own. Just fuck with your own mind and your own actions rather than to bother with mind. I do not give a damn, I do not even care about anything at all.

In the end, this is my blog. If my words are offending you big time, do not bother to read anything anymore. My words are mine, my words are what I write not for you to read but to satisfy my own self. Thank you if you do read this until the very end, thank you for keeping your curses and bashes all to your self. I appreciate your time and your conscience. Hey haters, thanks for bothering to hate me too.

If there will be no boys in the world care to be my boyfriend after reading this post, I do not care anymore. I am practically happy with my life as a single nerdy student who are in love with a celebrity who does not know I exist.

How a Resurrection Really Feels.

Practically, it seems like I am slowly losing my designing skills. With the assignments that are continuously making me wish that I have more than just twenty-four hours in one day—it is actually quite impossible for me to keep on designing, to improve my lack of grandeur in my poor designing skills. I have not use Adobe Photoshop for such a long time. I try to become good friends with GIMP and PhotoScape but either work well with me.

However, I assumed that I still have a little of those skills. I successfully designed a soda can with my own brand as the first assignment for Principle of Advertising class. I did not think that I have done a magnificent job but at least I still have a little longing towards my forgotten desire of becoming a graphic designer in an advertising agency. I can still do this—although not as good as my graphic design's friends—but at least it was presentable.


Who would have thought that having a plentiful collection of FT Island's pictures would aid me through the process of designing the soda can for my assignment. It was actually an idea proposed by my mom after she watched me designing the soda can in my room. Truthfully, I would love to have a soda brand by the name of FT-Fresh and have the whole FT Island—not just Hongki as presented on the soda can—to endorse my soda. Although his appearance on the soda can did raise several question among the classmate who did not know who he is.

I have started to draw and illustrate again lately. I am spending a little more time to become good friend with my dearest sketch book—who now loyally occupies my bag that I bring to college everyday. I am drawing discreetly in the library, like a geek. I like this though. I like it a lot.

We Might As Well Be Strangers.

found via inspireplease
I am dedicating this rant post to an unlikely friend of mine—who I am officially declaring as one of those friends I would not care about anymore—because she is pissing me off big time. Seriously, I have been calling and sending text messages to her like a maniac, wondering if she would come to class because we were supposed to have the presentation of our first assignments and this week is the last week for anyone to do so. I have been trying to reach her for one hour yet she did not reply my text messages and she did not answer my phone call.

What the fuck is wrong with you, anyway?

I am literally concerned that you might miss your chance to present your assignment and you are the one who was so concerned about the first assignment since last week and yet, you chose not to attend class and did not even call me in return to give some freaking explanation. Oh God, you are seriously pissing me off big time.

The truth is that I have to force my self to have a smile on my face every time you are talking and even though I silently resent whatever you have to say—especially about your past, because obviously girl, just move on with your damn life—I am trying to be a friend. I endure the hardship to actually teach you in things you don't understand—although you often repay me back with cynical remarks in front of everyone else occasionally. I follow you and try to be a good friend but this is a little too extreme for me to endure, girl. You are literally pulling me around like some sort of slave and drag me along into your mess. I am not satisfied. This is not friendship, this is making me as your friend with benefit.

Oh damn it, I don't care if you are going to find my blog once I make my presentation about blog this Friday. I don't give a fuck about you and your nonsense anymore. Let us face it, you continue to talk about your ruined past relationship as if your world only involve your heartbreak. Hello, open your eyes and see that no one cares about you. I can't take this anymore. I could no longer endure this painful friendship.

You know what, I don't give a damn about you anymore. You can fail and you can success, I would care less. You can fall and you can stand up, I don't want to know about you anymore. You could do whatever you want and continuously talk about your heartbreak as if no one else suffers heartbreaks, I would not give a damn about it. You are a pathetic creature who only knows to care about your self but not the others who could possibly care about you too. You ruined this friendship.

I am so sorry but I can't never look at you the same way I look at my other friends.

You choose this option, regardless. I try to be nice, but you push me away. I try to listen, but you are talking too much. I try to help, but you are draining me out of my life. You can do whatever you want, just don't bother dragging me along into your mess. You should know how to live in your mess. Don't look after me anymore. Know that after this, all my smiles and laughs are not sincere and I am putting on a facade. I don't like you, but only because you make me hate you.

Life From This Point On.

found via weheartit
Yes—I do realize that there has been a lack of movements around this boring blog for the past ten days. This actually happen to the fact that I am depending on the free wireless connection I am currently using which sometimes disappears from the view, thus I could not connect to the internet. I have also been terribly busy with college—now that assignments are stacking up high like a mountain literally and schedules are driving me crazing. I am also pretending to be busy with my life by doing this and that, including spending one whole sleepless day due to finish my assignments that should be submitted to take off the NC status off my result. Fortunately, I have successfully sent that freaking assignment this morning so, end of story. By the upcoming Friday, I will be facing my biggest fear of the year—sitting for my driving test to get my self a driving license. I feel like a freaking retarded for still not be able to drive well when everyone else seems to have been enjoying the life as a driver. God blesses my life.

I am also amazingly down with cold right now so I am silently cursing the fact that I can't breath properly. I followed my mom and dad to the market this morning and ended up with a cut on my finger which hurt like hell sometimes. Right now, I have two wounded fingers, thus I am typing in such an awkward condition. I am working hard to publish my fan fiction again in either two main fan fiction websites despite my hectic routines too. I am getting close to a friend of whom share the same passion as mine and I like this friendship we have. Keep this going on, and I will improve my current social life. I am almost broke thus I have to starve almost every day but I am looking at this as a chance to go on a diet—an unhealthy one of course.

In less than a week without wireless connection, I found out that FT Island has tons of news about them in the internet. Hongki to appear as the male lead in a Japanese drama—which actually makes me giggled like a crazy fan girl at college upon knowing this through the Twitter application on my mobile phone. Even more, FT Island will perform the theme song of the drama so cheer for new songs. More surprisingly, cheesy leader Jonghoon is also set to make his acting debut in a movie based on a Japanese manga—staring next to only the two of my favorite actor and actress of all time, Jang Geunseok and Kim Haneul. I am still a freaking happy fan girl. My bias, Seunghyun and Minhwan graduated from high school—looking all mighty handsome and made me wondered why on earth did I not attend the same high school as them although that is rather impossible. Congratulation. Jaejin—well, all I know his picture of him sleeping with a guitar did make it to the news so, well done I think. Nice to see nice updates, will be waiting for their future releases.

In the end, as a conclusion—my life has not yet been wonderful but it still quite stressful. I am going to have lesser updates, now that the wireless connection is obviously only available on weekends. I will post useful posts again, please don't curse me. I am innocent, or so I believe I am. God blesses this poor miserable soul.