This Is Not a Suicide Note.

found via Embrace the night.
I think I have worried almost every single friend who read my blog lately with my recent post about my heartache and my desire to disappear. Apparently, the word death that appear always bring a bad definition to anyone who knows me so I apologize for making anyone thinks that I am going to end my own miserable life. No, I am not that stupid nor I want to commit an unforgivable sin.

It’s just that I have been under a lot of pressure lately that I need to take off the wild thoughts off my mind and off my chest. I know I sound a lot like someone with a critical mental problem nowadays but don’t worry; I am working hard in keeping my sanity right. I am not going to go crazy, thank you very much.

Don’t take my words seriously because I could be a little extreme with my words when I am feeling slightly off the usual moods. I am very critical with words. I love to play with words. These words are only to express—not to really portray my current living situation. I love being over the top sometimes, even more when I am feeling way worst than usual.

Writing such things could guarantee me negative views from people around me but I don’t really care. I just need my own little space in this wide world where I am free to do or write whatever I want. I don’t have to fear the perspectives of anonymous around me. I could only fear the fact I might suffocate myself if I keep my words to myself.

There shouldn’t be any worries about me trying to commit anything dangerous—for example jumping off the building or bridge, overdosing myself with sleeping pills or cut my own fat wrist. I am a coward, thus there is no way I am going to do such things. I also admit I have been taking frequent intake of Dextromethorphan (DXM) to reduce my annoying cough and also to help me to sleep at night. I am not going to violate the usage, don’t worry. To die because of DXM doesn’t sound really cool.

I am trying to force myself to be a part of the world I am living right now. I am doing all that I could to make sure that I continue on living even when half the world I am living right now doesn’t feel like its mine. I don’t know what the future holds for me but I am trying to live the present well by continuing to breath. I don’t want to evaporate too fast. I want to let go, I don’t want to keep it all.