Lose These Emotions.

found via Call her moonchild, dancing
When I was young, I believe in all those beautiful fantasies about the adult life without knowing the thin lines of lies and pains in between the sweet things. Now that I am becoming a year older, it seems like all those thin lines are visible enough to suffocate me—in a life of which I do not wish to live anymore. Am I too close to commit the ultimate sin—suicide? I am too coward for such bravery.

Death is too valuable for someone like me. I am an amazingly coward person. I have no bravery to close my eyes and just literally let go of life. I am too scared of the consequences, I am just too scared to not be able to walk away and look back at what I am leaving.

I am not in the right state to actually write a proper post right now. My friend(s) is leaving college one by one and damn it, I hate when this happen. I am so freaking scared to tell my parents about this—who wouldn’t considering that I have already quit once before. I tried to be optimistic about this but yeah, I failed miserably. For the first time in my life, I feel like I really belong somewhere when I am with my dearest friends. Guess, this mean I am never going to be a part of something at all. Well, thankfully I have such skills in living my life in solitary so I think I am going to do fine. For how long, I don't know though.

I do have so much fun today thanks to my sisters and my mother and of course, my lovely nephews but this is such heartbreak. I mean, I love what I am doing right now. I just don’t know if I could do it any longer if one by one the people I actually care about it leaving. Damn this feeling—I wish I am emotionless so that I won’t feel any of these horrible feelings—all in the same time.

Is there any way to send these feelings away? I just ask for someone to give me a way to make me feel as if I am floating high enough in between the fluffy clouds, too far to touch the reality I am drowning in. I just want to close my eyes and forget this heartache. I just want to swallow this bitter taste and let it go. I just want to run away, and hope that no one will find.

In conclusion, I just want to disappear and never come back.