I do not think that this is a good thing—to actually allow my self to fall in love yet again. However, I do not have a complete control over my own feelings which is somehow a little frustrating because I could not know when it will eventually happen. Yes, I have to admit that it would be nice to once again fell love—because it has been quite a long time since the last I feel my heart beat faster and my mind only thinks about one person.
But why is it that I always end up falling for the one person who loves someone else instead?
This boy—or should I assume a man—is a friend, not the closest yet not one of those distant friends I could categorize as an acquaintance too. He has been bright and lively—a complete contrast to the solemn and quiet person I am. I like that I could smile and laugh with his presence and does not feel as if it is a burden to do so. I do not have to pretend not to be my self with him; I could completely be my true self.
It just happens that he has a girlfriend—I know, I would take the blame because I do not care anymore. He introduces his girlfriend not long ago—beautiful indeed—and one of the nicest acquaintances I ever meet in my life. I could not understand why I could fall for someone who already has the perfect one in his life. I always end up having this feeling all by my self.
He sometime makes me feel as if I am not complete because to be with him makes it obvious that we both come from two different worlds. He has this group of friends around him, the ongoing type with fantastic social life whereas I only have a small group of friends around me, the quiet type with miserable social life. The way we both grow up are different, we both have different perspectives. Yet when he sits next to me, I could feel genuinely happy. I could laugh and I could smile. He would make me feel as if I am the happiest person ever.
I could not understand my feelings anymore.
I would want to be that one person he loves, but I could not be that person when he already has someone else by his side. I am always that girl who looks silently by the side, keeping my feelings all by my self. I am always that loser who could not express her feelings, because I am a coward. I fear the heartbreak that will follow suit. I could not stand a second heartbreak; I could crush my heart this time if it ever happens.
Regardless the pain, it is actually nice to have someone to dream about at night and to think about when I miss him. I could not remember these childish acts when I fall in love but I could admit that I like it. I like it when I could close my eyes and smile to my self when I remember the funny things he says or when I sing to my self and secretly dedicate my serenade to the person who would not listen. This is funny—but I like every little detail about it.
I would make this feeling the same way as my previous feeling happens. I would ignore it, and when the time comes, it will all disappear. I do not want to hurt any feelings except for my own. I do not care about pain much, but I could not stand to watch others in pain. This is a temporary crush, something that will go with time. I would grow another year older and the feeling will soon fade away with other memories. I will keep it while it is still sweet, as a reminder of this beautiful feeling I would call as love.
However, I would not be afraid to admit this by my self—I think I love you, boy.
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