What I've Done.

How pathetic – I was crying while listening to Pretty Girl. It isn’t a song that I really want to hear when I feel like I want to cry but at least it keep me away from listening to my own awful sob as I cried. I have brilliantly deaf my ears with the meaningless cheerful song. I guess it has tortured my ears worst than my awful sobs would. But the worst part of my night was that I don’t even know why I suddenly want to cry. I have not cried this hard for so long – I have forgotten the last time I cried until I could no longer speak.

found via AnneDuffy
I have a talk with my father about my academic life. Honestly, I am already tired of everything. I would love to say that I am terribly tired of my horrible academic journey and I have come to point of giving up. But I wouldn’t want to destroy my parents’ hope – my mother obviously. She really wants me to graduate as fast as I could and get myself a job. As a daughter, I really appreciate her attention but it has come to a point that I am burdened my all of her high hopes. One breaking point and it will be enough to make me her most hated daughter for the rest of my life. Even one slip could end up being the end point of everything.

This might be humiliating but in my family – my siblings to be precise, I am the first one who has ever gotten into college. My elder brother and elder sister didn’t have their chances to continue their studies due to our financial problem in the earlier stages of our family life. Because I am the first, everyone has their hopes for me – and even I have not say this before; I am burdened by it. I cried when I my SPM result wasn’t as satisfying as it was supposed to be, as how they expected me to achieve. I feel as if I have not only disappointed myself, I have also disappointed my whole generation.

Right now, I have come to a point where I doubt my decision of enrolling college. There are so many reasons why I have suddenly doubt everything – especially my decision on taking up graphic design instead when I have finished high school in Science Stream. When my friends applied their Science Streams’ knowledge in their sophisticated courses in universities, I am here crawling in hardship trying to study something I have never taken seriously since high school – arts. Some of them even said that I was stupid. Actually, I think I am.

How stupid am I? I am stupid because I have taken up a risk and now, I feel as if I could no longer continue finishing what I have started. Now, I feel fucking stupid. I have eagerly started something that everyone told me would be hard to end successfully, thinking that I might be able to do it if I have enough bravery to do so. But who I am to kid around with the fact that it is really impossible for me to do? I didn’t even do well in high school – what made me think I would do better in college? I am doomed for failure for the rest of my life. I deserved it for what I’ve done.

I have to come my breakdown point, just like a year ago. I have to come the point where nothing else matters and whatever I do, nothing will work anymore. I have given up on making wishes. I have permanently addressed myself to live in this mess –in which were created by my mistakes. If only I haven’t taken up the challenge of taking risks, perhaps my life wouldn’t be this sophisticated after all. If only…but it has all been a little too late.