Side-Note; I’m a Fool Because of You .
“Love is a moment of being a fool , falling into it and never want to come out from it”
My dearest friend Minji , asked me a question yesterday through YM in which she asked , “unnie , what would you like to do with your boyfriend on Valentine’s Day if you have one?” and it left me completely hanging . I told her , “Minji-ah , why would you like to know?” and I waited several seconds before I read her reply saying, “ unnie , you’ve been lonely for so long , are you still waiting for your first love?” . The moment I read her reply , I was shocked . Was it that obvious ? Was it too obvious to her eyes that I had been alone for so long it seemed like I am still waiting for that one stupid boy ? Even to someone who connected to me through internet would have known that . I typed back a moment later, “Minji dear , first love is hard to forget but after 11 years , I think it is time for me to move on” , but do the answer I gave her was the truth ? Am I ready to face the fact that after those years it is finally the time for me to stop waiting for him and finally move on ?
We first met in 1999 , when we were both just in Standard Two while in Elementary School but then , you moved away . I remembered the last day you were there in our classroom , your smile and your gestures . Five years later , we met again by chance and it was during our last year in Elementary School but you never saw me . It had always been me who looked at you from afar . A year later , we met again by fate when I moved into your class during our first year in High School . You sat in front of me and you teased me a lot , before we became closed like best friends should . We shared lots of stories and been through so many things together , being teased by our friends for our closeness too . I kept my feelings away from you and silently , each time I saw you with someone else and even during that time when you confessed that you like my very own best friend , I smiled and supported you , because I would never show you my frustration . I went home and cried , and my other best friend comforted me by calling me . She told me to forget you but I can’t . I’d fallen in love with you and like a fool , I don’t want to come out from it . But then , four years later you moved out again and that time I knew it was permanently . We kept in contact for several months before you completely erased me from your life , leaving me hanging in my own world .
But like a fool I am , no matter how mean you are , I still love you .
Forgetting you is like forgetting a part of my self because loving you had been a part of my life . I couldn’t remember how many times I’d cried for you , how many pictures of you and I that I had torn apart yet I could never let you go . I am selfish , yes , but because I love you so much , I have to learn to let you go . I could no longer listen to the songs you like because those reminded me of you . I can no longer think about the moments we hanged out together and laughed at each other , because it made me missed you more . You never once contact me again , unlike how you contacted my other best friends . It is okay if I am not a woman in your eyes , if I am not up to your standards . It is fine . I am used of being used .
I’d been alone for too long right now . Two whole years of being alone , wow , that’s an amazing record . But when I thought about Minji’s question , I hesitate . Is it true I am still waiting for my first love ? It would be stupid , yes but I can’t take him off my life just like that . It had been 11 years , for GOD sake , it’s 11 fucking years of yearning for someone I would never have ! He never look at me as a true woman anyway , because in his eyes , I was no one but a friend he turns to whenever he needs my help . For 11 years I kept this relationship alive in my life by pretending as if he is still my friend though everyone else said that I am a fool . No , I’ll never let our memories faded .
Doesn’t matter if it takes me 111 years to forget you because I won’t . It had been 11 years of waiting anyway , does it make a difference if I waited for another 11 years ? I am a fool , yes , because I had fallen for you . Congratulations for hurting me , and for making me a fool . I love you , yes I do . Even when we played that prank where I needed to confess to you playfully in front of everyone else , I meant that . It was true , it wasn’t a game for me . I confessed to you , “ I love you ” and those words I said was true even when you smiled at me and knew that we were a part of a prank . I love it when we shared many favorites together and when others laughed at us , you always defended me . I love being beside you , just sitting there and breathed in the air between us . I love everything about you . I love it that you didn’t delete my picture off your camera and that we were together in many precious moments of our high school’s lives . I love having you in my life .
Anyhow , tomorrow is Valentine’s Day so here is my early wish . I hope everyone love those around you and cherish every moment of a relationship while it lasts . No matter who you are , love is always in the air . It’s our responsibility to search for it because once you fall into it , you might never want to come out . My wish is that you remember me , my dear best friend , even for a second . I never hope that you love me back because that is impossible but please , don’t forget my name . Even if you already have someone else in your life , I wish you all the happiness in this world . Don’t forget to call me when it is time for you to get married . Treat that special girl of yours the same way you treated me as your best friend and never hurt her . I’ll be here forever , waiting . I don’t care about the pain anymore , I’ll just wait and pray for your happiness .
Background Music; 너 울때까지 ( Until You Return ) by FT Island .
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