I really do try to keep my optimistic side high regarding this one particular matter but it seems that regardless how hard I try to put on this horrible façade and pretend as if nothing will ever bother me, certain things really do invade my life and makes it all miserable—as if it is not miserable in the first place.
The one thing I really hate and try not to complaint about is my social life. I realize it that I have such a poor social skills—all due to that ugly incident that occur during my senior year in high school of which makes me cringe every time I think about it—and I am horrible when it comes to making friends and communication.
Yes, you may see me writing such a damn long essays every now and then on this blog but do you actually expect me to be able to talk this long to a stranger out there in real world? Oh hell no, you are absolutely wrong if you think I could.
Here is a secret; I avoid making eye-contact even with my closet friends. Yes, I know that making eye-contact is the most vital part of communication, but I could not do it. Now everyone knows my secrets that I do not make eye-contact. I tend to look away every three seconds during a conversation—even during a personal conversations and the only time I do not look away is when I am talking to my family members.
I am that horrible in social skills. I manage to get a good grade for Effective Speaking class and even the Public Relations class but in reality, I just do not apply all that I ever learn. I am afraid to be out there in the real world.
My social life is already halfway down its own grave. I abandon my social life after I graduate from high school and probably most of friends from high school might already forget my existence. It is that unfortunate, seriously. I do not know what part of me that shut my self out from the reality and the social life out there but all I know I am always by the side, just watching my friends rather than to be with them.
What most teenagers do with friends I do it alone. I go to the cinema and watch from romantic movies to action movies by my self. Really, I am not telling a lie. I go for a shopping spree by my self for hours. I have breakfast and lunch at the popular fast food restaurants by my self. I sit at the library by my self. I take the bus by my self. I sit at the cafeteria by my self. I really do everything by my self.
I am an observer, really. But it pains me that I am only observing them from the sidewalk. That is why my social life is disappearing fast. In college, I assume it would be better if I participate with my friends a lot. It works at first but then it disappears fast too. I may be among their group but whenever they are going somewhere and doing things I am always the one to stay behind.
I am not saying that this hurts my pride or things but at certain point it does get onto my nerve. I have friends but I can’t say that I really have friends. They are around me, but they never make me feel as if I am a part of them.
This may be my hallucination but even my mother says that my friends only need me when they really need help. I try not to think about it and dismiss it quickly but then I realize. My mother is right; the only moment I have all of my friends around me is when they really need my help.
Back in high school, the only time I ever feel as if I am the part of an active club in high school is when I have to do all the secretariat work like a bitch by my self and submit it all to the teacher in charge—only for her to ask me all about my work because she does not like it. In the end, my name is not even in the school magazine under the particular society.
It does not hurt at first but as time goes by, it becomes a wound—and a permanent one too.
In college, the only times I ever spend such a long time with my friends are when they need me for assignments and projects. I do not feel bad, because I feel as if they need me. But then I begin to think whether they are only using me—because I tend to do all the work even in a group project because I am such a stupid perfectionist that does not know how to appreciate other works.
Sometimes I wonder who the real friends among the friends I have are. I maybe someone that they could not even remember because I never tend to stand out in a crowd. I maybe just a person they once meet and forget the next day. I maybe the geek who they could rely on certain things but never the one they want in their circle of friends.
I guess this is the time for me to give up on trying fixing my social life. I mean, I have been living a lonely life ever since I graduate high school. No one ever dies because of loneliness and I am pretty sure I could survive all well.
I am always a loner and will always be one. I have my own world to live in and I do not think that I could accommodate anyone else. I believe I would do well by my self. I would not fall because I am by my self. I will always be by my self either way. I just need some time to adjust into the reality that I no longer have brag worthy social life.
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