Choices Are Hard To Make, Sweetheart.

found via under cover of darkness...
I hate it the most when I have to make a choice—I have to choose between this and that. It always feels as if it is the hardest moment in life to just think and choose. It is pleasant to have options in life but it seems that making a decision is not quite as pleasant as it sounds. I hate to think thoroughly about options I have—sometimes there are more than just two or three—and I always end up making the incredibly horrible choice. I know that everyone makes mistakes but I do not forgive my self easily upon a mistake. I will continuously blame my self.

It is apparent that my inability to memorize the nineteen Arabic lines for a subject in college is entirely my fault. The lecturer clearly gives ample time for us to memorize each line and I only spend a week out of the long period of time to memorize. I only memorize five lines out of the nineteen Arabic lines. I know I should blame my self but I refuse because I am stubborn.

I should recite the nineteen Arabic lines tomorrow in class by nine and here I am in my bedroom alone by my self—considering the choices on whether to attend class and allow the lecturer to kill me for not be able to recite the entire nineteen lines or to just skip class and pretend as if nothing really happen as I return back to class next week.

This should be an easy choice—if the lecturer is not getting on my nerve almost every week. I know it is her responsibility to say things about this and about that regularly in class as to remind us but she obviously does not have to become horribly sarcastic about everything. It is fine if she advices us nicely and in a proper manner but seriously, she could drop the sarcasm. I should be the only one with a delicious treat of sweet sarcasm.

I know that choosing the later option will influence my grade badly for this semester while I am already screwing up half of my grades for the other subjects. I am completely a mess in this fifth semester. I should not choose the later option because I do not want to be a bad example but I have no courage to face the sarcastic lecturer tomorrow and allow her to say whatever she wants about me when I have no space to voice out my opinion.

This deserves to give another thorough thinking. I should rethink about what I should do—should I continue to memorize the remaining Arabic lines or should I forget everything and pretend nothing actually going to happen tomorrow. I do not know anything anymore. Half of my friends who are taking the same subject but in a different class have already given up entirely and my other friends from the same class are thinking about the same option.

Should I really just give up and walk away?

I do not know what I should do anymore. I just want to bury my face in the ground or hide somewhere where reality will not bother to look for me. I just want to evaporate and choose not to make a choice. I want to disappear and allow no one to search for my existence. I do not want to live in this suffocating reality anymore.