All The Sweet Lies.

found via fight off your demons
I am about to tell the truth—of only those who have understand me completely would know. I met my friends recently and by chance, I have the opportunity to introduce my colleagues from college to them through the pictures I kept in my mobile phone. Upon seeing the pictures, one of my friend—of whom have know me even better than I am—asked the reason why I looked different with them than with my college friends.

“Why is it that you look different?”
“What do you mean?”
“Look at these...these are not the outgoing and cheerful friend I know.”
“Come on, I was incredibly happy in those pictures.”
“Are you now?”
“Don't talk in riddles, what do you really mean by that?”
“I mean, if you were really happy back then with them as this girl who looked way different than the girl I know, are you still happy with them now?”
“I am.”
“Fuck your lies, I am your friend. I could see through you. You are not you when you are with them.”

To be honest, I am a pretender. I am a sweet con artist who works deliciously good among people in college. I am a liar. In college, you will see me trying my hardest to just fit in. I will put on clothes I will not wear regularly. I will put on make-ups just that I could feel pretty among the pretty ones in classes. I will speak in a way I could not understand myself. I would like things I hate to death to impress the friends I think I have around me. I would do things I usually will not. I am becoming a person I am not every time I go to college.

It is painful—but it keeps me from feeling isolated. It makes me feel as if I fit in, somewhere. I am not trying to lie but understand me please, I am trying to fit in. I am trying to be like one of them so that I could feel as if I belong somewhere. The option of being myself means I am willing to shut myself from anyone—not because I am crazy or scary for people to approach—but because I have a different perspective in life that might not be the normal thing for other people. I try not to hurt myself by seeing myself float away from people. I don't like them to ignore me, because it hurt so freaking much; even if it means I have to lie. To them, to myself.