Standing in the Middle of a Mess.

Title; 혼란의 한가운데에 서.
Translation; Standing in the Middle of a Mess.
Life is indeed a thrilling ride of a roller-coaster; fills with its own ups and downs. My life however, had been nothing but a non-stop heart-stopping roller-coaster ride, going on and on along its scary rails forever. My life could be compared to a broken record player, replaying the same old annoying song which reflected nothing but emptiness and dullness. This life I am living in; had been nothing but tiring.

I am in this huge problem of mine - ever since I went for the surgery in October, I am facing a serious case of hair loss. Not many knows how my hair is the most precious treasure I owned, considering I don’t have a beautiful figure like my elder sister or I do not own the perfect height like my younger sister. My hair - as my mom said is the beautiful black wavy crown you wear on your head and be proud off. Unlike my siblings’ hair, mine is wavy as if I lightly curled it every morning, not curly like my elder sister’s in whom she straightened it or straight like my younger sister’s.

I hate to have my morning bath nowadays, because I hate to see strands of my hair trapped at the water hole on the floor of my bathroom after I have my bath. I hate to shampoo my hair and when I run my fingers through it, I could gather almost a small grasp of hair strands in my hand. It feels like I am pulling each and every one of it even when I am taking care of it. I hate to wake up every morning and scream in horror to see strands of hair on my pillow. It hurt so much to know I am losing my precious hair everyday. Okay, it is normal to have hair loss but this is too much. The effects of the surgery are killing me - literally.

My dad gave me an option - to just cut my hair short in order not to make the hair loss seems less obvious. I would like to cut it short but I’d been keeping my hair long for almost a year and I suddenly feel burdened to go to the hairdresser and have my hair cut short. Yes, it would be lovely to have shorter hair and it would make my hair loss problem look a bit less obvious than now, but will I be happy with shorter hair? I love my hairstyle right now. Sometimes, I cried inside the bathroom when I saw all those hairs I lost. I had already imagine myself being bald at the age of 18.

Besides my personal problem, I am also a bit sour towards FT Island's 2010 Asia Tour. I am depressed over the fact that they will visit Singapore for the third times already and Thailand next year yet still, the country in between the two countries, Malaysia is once again left out. Doesn't the boys know they have hoping fans in Malaysia? This hurt me so much, because I am always saying that I am a proud Primadonna but knowing that I am left out along with other Malaysians' fans, I kind of hate that. I hate to hate FT Island or their management, but this is too much. It has already been more than a year. The more they ignore Malaysia, I think the more I will be a bit distant towards this band of five members. I know this sounds cruel, but I have to say what I really think. This is just depressing. It is okay if they are still sour about what happened in 2008 but they should think of us, their Malaysians' Primadonna. I can't continue to pray for their visit forever or to listen to them greeting in Malay language on shows all the time. One day, I'll give up for sure. Nowadays, listening to their songs already make me feels a bit annoyed, not at them but at their decision to always ignore Malaysia. I don't want to slowly hating FT Island but I can't help but to hate this. I'll try to keep my faith that one day they will come back, but seriously, I'll give up one day.

On the other note, my younger sister isn’t helping much with my problems lately. I had been taking over all of her chores ever since I taken off my special shoes and I could walk better, and all she had been doing was being the ice princess she had always been once again. She woke up late, argued with me about the smallest thing ever and complained about everything. I know, I am complaining about her right now too, but complaining isn’t going to solve anything. I am already in my own problems, she doesn’t have to barge into my life and add more problems, considering she has already barged in my life once - being my younger sister.

She came to me with a list of songs she needed to download before we go for our family trip and she didn’t even think about my hectic schedules anymore. She knew that I don’t have the time for myself lately yet she still asked for so many things in which she could learn on how to do. Yes, in my house, I am the only one who knew how to download songs through the internet. I am my family’s source in everything related to technologies.

If I could wish for more than 24 hours a day, I would.
I went to sleep at 4.00 a.m. while my younger sister went to sleep early. I woke up at 7.45 a.m. every morning while my younger sister woke up at 11.30 a.m. I have to do the laundry while all she did was piling her clothes up for even more laundry. I cook lunch alone while she sat inside the living hall, reading Harry Potter books (in which I regretted introducing her to) and complained about my loud nephew I am taking care off. This isn’t fair but then again, life isn’t fair at all. But still, all I ask for was some consideration. I am okay with all those chores, but shouldn’t she be more appreciative that I am not the elder sister who nags her to do her chores and just did mine silently?

But then today, I burst in anger.
I caught her yelling at our nephew inside the bathroom and it just burst the time bomb inside of me that I had been keeping all these days. I nagged her, telling how she shouldn’t be angry at everyone when she didn’t do much but to clean the living hall once every two days. I told her that I am the one who was supposed to be angry, because I did all the work while she relaxed while I didn’t. She got pissed off and slammed the bedroom’s door and avoided talking to me. My parents noticed our cold stare at each other during dinner and once again, I am the one who was blamed.

Seriously, I am tired of being accused, of being used and of being ignored.
This just adds up to my pile of problems and it seems like I am going to break into pieces soon. I am a human being; I am vulnerable to broken hearts. I am supposed to reach my maximum patience point and one day, I am going to explode harder than how I did today. But no one realized that. They kept on putting me on the thrilling roller-coaster ride, adding more dangerous curves and turns along the rail for me to ride. They won’t let me stop; perhaps not until the roller-coaster I am riding tip off from the rail and crashes.

I am forced to curl a fake smile in front of my parents so that they won’t see how I am crying inside, because I am hurt to know they can’t see it. How could they see how my younger sister hates her life but couldn’t see how I resent everything right now? Can’t they see that I am tired of this? Can’t they console me like how they console my younger sister?

I tried not to complain about my life; to be thankful that I am alive, living with an able family and owning just about everything I wanted but I just can’t stop thinking that this isn’t the way of living that I want. I am okay with everything but I needed to be understood by everyone, to have them know that I have my limit in doing something. I want them to appreciate what I had done, and if that is impossible, all I want them to see is how hard I am trying to be the good daughter of this family. Just realizing it will be enough for me, I won’t ask for anything more.

One of these days; I am going to explode and if that day comes, I’ll let them see my breakdown.
Background Music; Tic Tic Toc by T-Ara.