When I Fall, Catch Me.

I was watching KBS 청춘불패 (KBS Invincible Youth) on KBS World late this day,
When it showed the scene where the member of G7 called their grandmothers,
And exchanged stories about their grandparents,
But I don’t know why when I heard their stories, I cried.
I cried so much, my younger sister panicked.
My eyes still sore when I am writing this, because I cried so much.

The reason why I cried was that I missed my grandma.
When I watched T-Ara’s Hyomin called her grandma, and when her grandma asked “life is hard, is it?”, I remembered my late-grandma, who died in 2007.
She always asked me that question whenever I complained about my life,
And she had always been my best friend.
My parents had always been busy with works, she took care of me since I was a baby until I was 16 years-old.
I envied those members of G7 to still have grandparents,
While both my grandparents from my mom and dad’s side had passed away.

I envied how they have their grandma supporting them,
Asking whether life was hard or not to them,
When I don’t have my grandma anymore.

I missed my grandma’s morning call on Sundays when I woke up.
She would call and told me to come to her house,
And sometimes I slept at her house, sharing one bed with her.
I missed her wonderful cooking because she used to own a restaurant until my grandpa died in 1995.
She always cooked those meals I liked, putting lots of love in every meal without failure.
I missed how we argued about TV series, always fighting over the remote control because both of us wanted to watch something else.
I missed how she bought me a kitten and let me named all the cats she owned as I liked.
I missed how she waved goodbye to me when I boarded my school bus and waited for me at the doorstep to hug me when I came back home from school.
I missed how she hugged and kissed me,
And the way she always told to be the best in my class.
She had always been my inspiration, to get number one in exams so that she could be proud of me.
It was true; my grades started falling after she died - because I lost my beloved grandma.
She didn’t even have the chance to celebrate my success in PMR exam late 2007.
She couldn’t watch me enrolled a college.

I wasn’t close to my grandma on my dad’s side and had been raised by my grandma from my mom’s side since I was younger, so I was always happy to have her in my life.

When she passed away in February,
It was the worst thing that happened to me in 2007.
I had a breakdown, because I lost her.
I lost the one person I could hang onto whenever I am sad or happy.

My parents always told me that I was her favorite grandchildren,
Because I had always been the hardest one to raise and my family went through so much complication regarding our life after I was born.
She never denies all my requests, even the most ridiculous ones.
Though when she got older she forgot about my birthdays,
She never forgets to hug and kiss me each time we met.

When she had stroke in late 2006, I stopped talking to her.
I started to grow apart from her though my mom took care of her.
From that moment until she died, I had never told her that I really loved her anymore.
I had complaints and rants about her condition though I really cared for her.
I hate my self for not able to do anything about her condition,
And because of that I put my self away from her.

And now, I regret doing that.
I would have told her how much I loved her if I could have the chance.
I would told her that I appreciate everything she had done,
And that I would like to stay with her forever.
I would not complaint and rant about her condition and I would always told her that I loved her the most.

If only she is still alive,
She would come and hug me when I cried of pain after my surgery last month.
She would take care of me like how she taken care of my elder sister when she gave birth to her first child.
I was spoilt not by my parents but by my gramdma.
I am a spoilt granddaughter of hers, and I am proud of it.

I am crying now, I swear.
I missed her even more today.
I missed her voice talking to me through the phone, telling “I love you.”
I missed her reaction whenever I spoke wrong English because she had always been my English tutor, the one who trained me to speak proper English since I was just in kindergarten.
I missed to have her smiling at me whenever I came back with a satisfying grade.

I missed her.

할머니, 보고싶어.

I need to stop crying before my mom barge into my bedroom and thinks that I am crazy.